Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It's like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

The good thing about Twitter is that if you have a good personality, there is someone with a better personality who is also funnier than you

Guess what? I made my own nachos. Did it work out? No. Things don't always work out. Am I ok? Also, no

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

Girl are you my Programs Running because you are Not Responding

Seabiscuit? More like Landhorse

Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it's almost not worth it

"How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?" "How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?"

What's your favorite planet *cuts you off* mine's Jupiter

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

Pretend like you're twenty years older and got the option to go back in time and re-live the previous twenty years: go

What do baby owls eat besides all of my attention?

Comment on every picture of someone's dog, "What is this"

Whenever I hang out with one of my friends they don't know it but I am in an eating contest with them

Here's my impression of the person who invented those cardboard sleeve things for drinks: "Ow ow it's too hot"

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Hi

#StoryBehindMyScar A net of fibrous tissue replaced my normal dermis after an injury. So embarrassing

So You Think You Can Dance Around A Sensitive Subject

Text a friend, "You mad?" They say No. Why? You say "ABOUT THESE SAVINGS" and link them to some end of the year deals they won't wanna miss