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You make me want to invest in a wood chipper.
You're old when drinking tap water is "living on the edge."
Nowadays a romantic gesture is leaving the toilet seat down. 😕
If you're single, you aren't legally obligated to put up with, or clean up after, anyone's shit.
Slam your head in a car door, fall off a skyscraper, chug bleach, swim with gators, and set yourself on fire. That's what love feels like.
Happily never after. That's me.
Relationship status: snuggled up to cough drops, coffee and the remote, getting Eskimo kisses from a bird.
A millienial's idea of living on the edge is driving out of wifi range.
(Because they don't walk, and have had iPhones since birth.)
Don't get down on your selfie. We all have "hungover caveman hit by a shovel" days.
Oscar the Grouch with double Ds. but twice the attitude, and none of the trash.