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Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.
There are three sizes of condoms: Small, Medium and Liar.
How do you know if your girlfriend is too young for you?
You have to make airplane noises to get your cock in her mouth.
Laptop speakers: Too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
That's fucked up. Do it again.
I discovered the secret to a drama-free life: turn off your cell phone and pop open a six pack.
Who cares who unfollows you? The only ones who matter are those who stay, and talk to you.
A person's sexuality doesn't define who they are as a person.
Why do seemingly smart, funny, strong women waste their time, love and energy on fucktards, when nice guys are home alone on Saturday night?
"Wrong hole"? There's no such thing.
I'm in the mood for a pie-eating contest. Who's in?
If you need me, I'll be in the naughty corner.
Guns are an appropriate accessory when making a bank withdrawal, right? I don't want it to clash with my mask.
#youaremoreattractiveif made of bacon
Haters don't really hate you. They hate themselves because you're a reflection of what they wish to be. Poor, confused bitches.
We do it louder, hotter and wetter in the South.
(complain about the weather)
Stars are very shiny and pretty, but RTs make me cum.
The only time I like vanilla is when I'm eating ice cream.
Dear bimbos in the convertible who flipped me off: Your license plate reads "WITCH... " as in, "witch way do you want to die"?
Wrap me in bacon, and eat me. That is, if you're fast enough. I might eat myself first.
Colder than a Margarita, hotter than a blue star. No DMs; my heart is unavailable.