Twitter Milfs give me hope that mothers do not always turn out like the ones I see on Facebook, boring as fuck.

I think we can agree that @journalismjunk is the fucking Godfather.

Soon there will not be any tigers or pandas or unicorns like there was, end poaching today.

This is totally off the record but no comment.

I used to be addicted to crack but now I am off it and trying to stay clean That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.

Your pamphlet says "Forward vote Obama" the fanny pack your carrying them in says "fuck voting let's party".

Still haven't tasted something that is both bitter and sweet.

Saw 2 flies having sex in my house looked like a jet trying to refuel.Killed one & the other got away,I became what I despise, cock blocker.

My night job is sleeping, my day job is telling everyone about my night job.

Do you ever get the impression that felons attract wire taps.

I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored.

To who is this this Xanax I keep hearing about and why is dropping in uninvited all the time.

i got soul like a muthafucka.

Wassup my favorite fucks, I mean highly respected individuals who have nocturnal tendencies.

Watching a security officer on a Segway is like a sheriff riding in the old west or somebody just really wanted a Power Wheels for Christmas

I met Stephen Hawking at a tweet up and he told me to pull his finger.

I'm pretty much ashamed of my generation.

I used to listen to rap and then grunge a little bit of country and now I'm a snob and only listen to Led Zeppelin played backwards.

Nobody puts baby in a binder.

When people say I'll take my coffee black, i think of sex. Que no?