I'm gonna be all 1996 on my girlfriend tonight and just call her without texting her first.

A bug flew in my mouth during a run and stuck to the back of my throat. I coughed, gaged, and eventually had to swallow. Ladies, I love you.

If Matt has 16 oz of coffee and loses 4 oz at each of 5 speed bumps going into work, how many seconds until Matt kills everyone?

I refer to the other side of my bed as the passenger side.

Some days the vending machine accidentally gives me two packs of M&Ms and other times the glass gets broken.

My daughter has taught me so much . . . sometimes girls just need to cry and I just need to be there for her.

If I ever come into money, it's probably cause I'm out of tissues.

There are too many people that don't know the difference between being a reproductive vs. a productive member of society.

Already looking forward to seeing everybody at Twitter Camp this summer.

I'm at my most brain surgeon when cutting up cauliflower. I'm at my least brain surgeon when trying to spell cauliflower.

You are the Donkey to my Shrek. By that I mean, you follow me, you say stupid shit, but I keep you around because other people laugh at you.

Just setup Favstar . . . so much for doing anything else today.

Too many people mistake introspection for self doubt. Wisdom comes from learning.

Everybody is breaking somebody's rule so carry-on.

I'll bet Zombies would like to play with an app on their smart phones that makes their skin look beautiful.

PRO TIP: Read tweets first assuming a sarcasm font, next drunk/high font, then pervert, crazy, and finally clueless. When in doubt: star it.

If you ever see me eating an egg-white omelet w/o meat & cheese. Shoot my alien impostor in the face with a shotgun.

Kids always seem to find their way back to you. Especially when security keeps helping them.

Trying to figure out who is gay and who isn't just makes you part of the problem.

I just deleted 5 shitty tweets from my drafts folder. You're welcome.