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George Bush had IRAQnaphobia.
If I die in this tornado tell my mom the bar I was at was underground so I was doing my best.
Gonna send my mom the drug test results in the mail. She'll post it on the fridge. She"s a proud mom.
Starting a spin-off of Seinfeld's Comedians in Cars getting Coffee called Comedians take Drugs and use Public Transit.
Just saw a motorcycle with a dog in its sidecar. The dog has a little helmet and sunglasses. It was the coolest thing I've ever seen.
I spend more time picking what I'm going to watch on Netflix to fall asleep to than I actually spend watching it before falling asleep.
This chair looking guy sure is smart.
Sixlets are better than M&M's. Fact.
The McRib is back. My body is telling me no but my taste buds are also telling me no.
Overheard, "My dude got killed, this girl shot him in the dick with a needle full of Heroin." so I'm not the craziest person on this bus.
You wanna test if a group of 5 college roommates are adults? Take away their dishwasher and see if their kitchen goes to hell or not.
True adulthood is not having to ask your mom how much time you should put something in the microwave.
I just woke up in a used Bugatti.
Waiting for my dad at Giant Eagle im just going to stand here in front of the pregnancy tests muttering 'fuck' to myself.
When you're on your own every day is Corndog day.
I ate a whole bag of Reese's tonight. What are YOU doing with your life?
On July 4th I was so drunk I made a scene at McDonalds because they wouldn't serve me breakfast. It was 10 P.M.
My dream of becoming famous is solely in order to play in the NBA Celebrity All-Star Game.