You're an American born black guy with an education? Prove it.
You're a white guy with billions but refuse to show tax records? Cool.

I put the lime in the coconut and threw it at the dog.

Looking for a pen to write the wife a note, found a box of crayons. I left her a drawing of our house, the dog, me, her, a flower & the sun.

Ben Affleck and Mark Whalberg are high-fiving so hard right now. Like, wicked hahd.

"Fine. I'll release my birth certificate. If this doesn't shut you up, the next thing I'll release will be the Kraken." - President Obama

That's it! No more internet for the dog. He just told me that his Purina was full of win and then described our morning walk as "epic".

DO YOU NOW SEE WHY YOU CAN'T BREAK UP, WILL AND JADA? DO YOU SEE NOW? #earthquake

The wife just asked to see my "tweeter thingy". Pretty sure she meant twitter page, but I pulled down my pants anyway.

Relaxing at the pool, blinding all the folks with my milky white torso. Ever seen an albino manatee? Kind of like that.

Being unemployed, it's important to keep your skills sharp for when you're called back to the workforce. That's why I'm watching Maury.

Who's got two thumbs and recently purchased an iPad 3 and now is going to take his two thumbs and stick them in TIm Cook's eyes? This guy.

A repeat of the last four years? HE'S GONNA KILL BIN LADEN AGAIN!

Winner: Not Jim Lehrer

Eating a big bowl of Frankenberry & watching Intervention. Errr, I mean drinking a beer and watching football.

Dear republicans threatening to move to Canada - Canadian women have vaginas too.

Currently having a sigh-off with the teenage cashier at Target. He's pretty good, but I'm REALLY indifferent to buying laundry detergent.

Wish I had a mentor. Better yet, I wish I had some Mentos. The Freshmaker.

Just got a strawberry milshake from Bruster's. Trying really hard not to drink this in the yard, for fear of being trampled by the boys.

Still no job. Guess I'll continue my freelance gig - spreading Swine Flu hysteria.

OMG BUY A MASK & WASH YOUR HANDS & STOP LOOKING AT ME.

Did you seriously think your 99¢ Grande Burrito was made with 100% Grass-Fed Premium Steer? Think again.