Paramedics should be allowed to go back to people's houses and say "Remember when I saved your life? Yeah. I need help moving a couch."

Just visited Mitt's website. It says I have to pay $1 for 2 days access to the "Premium Budget Plans."

Apparently when someone is uninteresting in real life it is inappropriate to push on their nose and say "unfollow."

I know this now.

I think the blizzard didn't pan out because we've taken God out of our meteorological schools.

Please RT if you know someone who is alive today only because you can't afford a hitman.

"Can I eat it? Can I have sex with it? Will it kill me?" - The three great questions of life

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Life gets a lot easier when you realize that no one else knows what the fuck they're doing either

I think it's important to have a daily reminder to never give up on your stupid, stupid dreams.

The Snuggle Bear commercial is so far the most terrifying part of tonight's episode of #TheWalkingDead.

Today in Boston is the day every police officer, firefighter, and EMT/Paramedic trains for, but hopes never comes.
Boston is in good hands.

Every airport in the world has two token German guys, wandering around lost, with hiking backpacks on.

Sometimes, when bad things happen, I think 'Argh! Why me!?!?' And then I'm like 'Oh, right. All that bad shit I do.'

The economy is so bad that Exxon laid off 25 Congressmen.

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Asshole

Ya done, Canada? Because for the next week 'Merica is gonna be drunk and hurting ourselves with fireworks. Maybe start a war. We dunno yet.

I hate it when Jesus sees his shadow and Easter is this late.

Not a lot of people bitching about overpaid government employees when they're out apprehending terrorists.
Weird.

Oh, me? I'm just patiently waiting for Pat Robertson to explain whether I blame the Muslims or the homosexuals for that earthquake.

I like you guys that have your real name in your bio. It's the kind of thinking that says 'He won't fly to my house to prove a point.'

Going shopping on Christmas Eve is likely the most realistic training you'll ever get for the zombie apocalypse.