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Becuz of Hitler, it's still unacceptable to wear a Charlie Chaplin mustache.
Wish I had a time machine, so I could introduce him to Crocs.
Passive/Aggressive Pistachio #WTFIceCream
Thinking of calling that hot single mom you met at the club? Spend 5 mins in McDonald's Playland on a Saturday for a quick reality check.
They should make an extra strength condom, you know, for girls with back tattoos.
Imagine if they had Facebook in the 1940's, they could of totally stopped Hitler. #StopHitler
It's not that I want to be rich, I just want my bank account to always have $1000 in it, no matter what I buy.
With the invention of Google, Jerry Seinfeld has no excuse for not knowing "what the deal" is, with anything.
For Gayle King, the Oprah show marked the only time in history that a women's fatter best friend, got way more attention than she did.
How pissed is Mel Gibson right now, cuz you know that, for a split second, he thought CNN said Oksana is dead.
Thought of a funny tweet 20 mins ago, now I forgot what it was. It quite possibly could of been the funniest tweet ever not tweeted.
All the employees at this Calgary Tim Hortons are dressed up for stampede, I've never seen so many filipino cowboys. #ErnestoTexasRanger
Friday the 13th reminds me of my shitty investments, ever since agreeing to split that Crystal Lake time share with the Voorhies family.
For a split second I thought I saw Prince Harry at the Walmart McDonalds, turns out it was just a guy with all his teeth.
I agree that the iPad is a revolutionary illustration tool, but if I need to draw stairs, or a Devo hat, the Etch-a-Sketch wins hands down.
"You, complete me." -puzzles
Life is like a box of cereal, called Life, which is really just soggy Chex.
You sir, are the Sandwich Artist, why ask ME if I'd like the sub toasted?
It compromises your artistic integrity. It's your canvas, own it!
I've looked everywhere for Christmas Cheer, but can't seem to find it. Is it just regular laundry detergent with Santa on the box?
Standup comedian, hates tomatoes but loves ketchup, can stand but prefers to sit, loves llamas. The funniest tweeter you've never heard of.