Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
If this tweet gets over 1,000 favs, I'll tape myself bare butt farting on my roommate's face while he sleeps. I'm dead serious.
"Shhhh. Don't let anyone know we're pointless." - sports
SPOILER ALERT: Batman gently removes Bane's mask and tongue kisses him while Gordon tapes it for Bang Bros.
The Simpsons chalkboard was the original Twitter.
I put my thing down, flipped it and reversed it, and now it's broken! Thanks, Missy.
What happens when a cook from Georgia goes to Korea to avenge her son's murder? - concept for my new movie "Seoul Feud"
My heart would stop if I saw a puppy with dimples.
I teared up while watching The Office. But as far as any girls need to know, I teared up when a bear attacked me after lifting weights.
It's Rapture Eve. Make sure to leave cookies out for Jesus.
The term "laser jet" was wasted on printers.
"Come on, guys!" is a sentence that heavily relies on a comma.
Didn't receive a Father's Day card today. Guess my future son or daughter isn't a time traveler. Already a disappointment.
ATTENTION WHITE MALES - Stop wearing necklaces.
At least I know I'm good at depression.
It's a shame pregnant ladies can't spin on their tummies on the dance floor.
Fellas, what would you do if you were making out with a hot babe and she burped and inflated your cheeks?
Kevin, stop saying "playa." Moonbeam, I'm sorry your parents named you that. Justin, your sister is hot. Peace! #mygraduationspeech
With all those tits, you'd think I'd be sexually attracted to dogs. You're right.
Drunk girls in high heels are my favorite form of Jenga.
I don't mean to break twitter or anything, but I'm a pretty happy person.
Resident muscle man at http://Nerdist.com. Tony Hawk Pro Skater advisor for @IndoorKids. Former math tutor.