If this tweet gets over 1,000 favs, I'll tape myself bare butt farting on my roommate's face while he sleeps. I'm dead serious.

"Shhhh. Don't let anyone know we're pointless." - sports

SPOILER ALERT: Batman gently removes Bane's mask and tongue kisses him while Gordon tapes it for Bang Bros.

The Simpsons chalkboard was the original Twitter.

I put my thing down, flipped it and reversed it, and now it's broken! Thanks, Missy.

What happens when a cook from Georgia goes to Korea to avenge her son's murder? - concept for my new movie "Seoul Feud"

My heart would stop if I saw a puppy with dimples.

I teared up while watching The Office. But as far as any girls need to know, I teared up when a bear attacked me after lifting weights.

It's Rapture Eve. Make sure to leave cookies out for Jesus.

The term "laser jet" was wasted on printers.

"Come on, guys!" is a sentence that heavily relies on a comma.

Didn't receive a Father's Day card today. Guess my future son or daughter isn't a time traveler. Already a disappointment.

ATTENTION WHITE MALES - Stop wearing necklaces.

At least I know I'm good at depression.

It's a shame pregnant ladies can't spin on their tummies on the dance floor.

Fellas, what would you do if you were making out with a hot babe and she burped and inflated your cheeks?

Kevin, stop saying "playa." Moonbeam, I'm sorry your parents named you that. Justin, your sister is hot. Peace! #mygraduationspeech

With all those tits, you'd think I'd be sexually attracted to dogs. You're right.

Drunk girls in high heels are my favorite form of Jenga.

I don't mean to break twitter or anything, but I'm a pretty happy person.