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This is a haiku.
It is stupid and pointless.
I need to get friends.
Two robots walk into a bar.
The first robot says to the bartender:
If chicks like bad boys, how come they're never impressed when I tell them I was in Slytherin?
They say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach, but really its through the pulmonary vein or the Superior Vena Cava. Just sayin
I never sign contracts; I'm a rebel without a clause
Now I'm not sayin I'm LAZY, but uhh..
Fuck it, you think of a funny way to end this
Woke up with glitter on my dick.
Wish I could say someone else put it there
Alcohol [al-kuh-hawl], noun:
1) Social accelerant.
2) ultimate source of fun and happiness.
3) Reason Im banned from the Subway by my house
When someone holds the door open for me I follow them home and mow their lawn in the middle of the night
Your move, you considerate asshole
Now that I'm single I'll spend all my time living the playboy lifestyle*
*complaining on twitter and drinking alone
Me: I wanna F u in the A
Her: OMG WTF
her: LOL OK, YOLO
Women: we'd rather you be punctual than have your eye liner look just right
I'm my own worst critic.
But I'm also my own most handsome critic.
Dear valentines day: go fuck yourself.
How did people describe the color black before jets were invented?
I hate when my phone types 'gaga' instead of 'haha'
I'm an idiot, not a baby
Starring but not retweeting is the twitter equivelant of "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you"
Women are like motion sensor sinks: no matter where you put your hands you can't turn them on
"I'm not staring to be rude! I'm just having the hardest time discerning your gender"
-why honesty is sometimes not the best policy
I heard Nicholas Romanov is going to be on the next season of 'dancing with the tsars'