Remember... a blow job from a puppet is just a hand job from the ventriloquist.

Would it be wrong to ask a one eyed person if it really WAS all fun & games up to that point?

First rule of gun safety: Don't piss me off.

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

I really wasn't planning on going for a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.

Truth be told, I seriously doubt your guess is as good as mine.

If there's enough room to spell "Bootylicious" across the back of your shorts in big block letters, it probably isn't.

Nothing fucks up your Friday like realizing it's Tuesday.

According to my neighbor's diary I have boundry issues... Pssht! Whatever.

If opinions are like assholes then a lot of opinions wear Ed Hardy shirts...

Hey ladies, when you're having a bad hair day, just wear a low cut shirt... guys won't even realize you have hair. You're welcome.

Sometimes I just grab my boobs because they're there & I can.

I have a roll of duct tape that says you will.

I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you're a train wreck from all the way over here.

If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of your ass! Knees to chest damn it! KNEES TO CHEST!!

Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

Why buy lottery tickets, Mister? Between the mullet and the Trans Am, you look pretty lucky already.

If beer is not the answer then you're asking the wrong question...

Oh sweetie, you don't have to lie. We know your pecker gets less action than a white crayon.

It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad...