Neighbor just told me about his 43rd “Bday Bash” this weekend. Sounds awesome! Plus, a truck just dropped off 2 kegs of Ensure.

my idea of safe sex is her not realizing that i forgot to take out my wedding ring.

@ou_prg @maui_speaks @markaaronc @zaid_jack @la_randonneuse @pacoaguilar7 @fredcuellar thank you big kisses big hugs my sweet friend

BEAUTIFUL MORNING DEARS @kamelou13 @maui_speaks @markaaronc @zaid_jack @la_randonneuse @pacoaguilar7 @fredcuellar pic.twitter.com/cABJdcHJtv

I trade stars.

But only with the cool people.

Let’s see, there’s six adult and twenty-seven kid stick figure stickers on the back of this van. It must belong to a Mormon.

I hate myself right now  http://instagram.com/p/asNQ-VNrLy/ 

help me to help you stop being a statistic of my emotional past.

Even watching Adrian Brody's face can't make me forget I just saw King Kong ice dancing in Peter Jackson's version. Gag me with a spoon.

You didn't change me. I was wanting to be bitter.

You're not a real parent till you annoy the fuck out of your kids trying to get them out of bed in the mornings.

literally told someone "do you catch my tokyo drift" so yeah officers arrest and take me to cool prison now

Life gets pretty bad sometimes but I’m lucky I have this penis that stops me from crying about it.

There's not a single person you can't say 'it will get better' to. Except maybe Warren Buffett. But even he gets called Jimmy Buffett.

Most people just need a good cuddle and the rest just need a good cuddle inside of a wood chipper.

Coldwater Canyon is so bumpy. I opened a pop & inadvertently gave myself a Dr.Pepper douche. Now I'm hot,sweet&sticky,but not in a good way.

Even the strongest people need to get their strength from somewhere. Don't always lean on the strong without giving them some support.

Your obsession with platitude sharing makes me want to burn this whole place down, rebuild it, then burn it down again.

Jesus fucking fuck.

It’s not an overreaction until she stabs you & even then there’s bound to be a perfectly logical explanation.

If you're not a leader & you know it, don't raise your hand.