I've only done drugs twice. Yesterday and everyday before that.

Listen up, people. You're listening in the wrong direction.

Maybe aliens are just shy

I didn't realize that it was below freezing until someone announced "it's cold."

Strange how my phone always breaks when people I don't like text me.

My thinking cap doesn't fit me.

I need a life insurance policy minus the insurance policy.

Just called a locksmith to replace my caps lock key.

Tried listening to my heart but it kept making these thumping noises

Dead dogs play dead forever.

This chair rocks!

Sandals are finger-less foot gloves.

My theory is that all theories are false.

Death just takes my breath away.

I don't see the point of this dull knife .

Apathy saved the cat.

Babies never know what they're talking about.

"I believe!" - doubter

Theoretically speaking, I am speaking empirically.

Smell is just a taste bud tease.