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Couldn't afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
The best pick up line is cocaine.
My favorite kind of math is adding insult to injury.
I'm surprised the back of soy milk cartons don't have missing hipster children.
My parents were mimes. The "sex talk" was really awkward.
I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
After I masturbate, I like sitting on my hand for a while so it feels like someone else makes me a sandwich.
All good things come to those you hate.
My cat, Stevens, will now only answer to the name Yusuf Islameow, for some reason. That's weird.
So embarrassing! I was mentally undressing this chick and I got stuck trying to remove her bra for like 10 minutes!
With my luck, I bet if I was homeless, I'd probably end up with the shopping cart with the fucked up wheel.
I'm convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I just wanna be rich enough to buy a water bed filled with tears of my enemies.
The cap of a BIC pen is like a dog's chewing toy for humans.
A twelve-pack of beer is equivalent to a bouquet of roses in a bromance.
I think my favorite Transformer is probably RuPaul.
It seems what America should really be having is loan shark week.
An umbrella in your drink should really be there to protect your drink from your tears.
I wonder what will Dora be exploring once she gets to college.
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