I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

The best pick up line is cocaine.

Couldn't afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

My favorite kind of math is adding insult to injury.

I'm surprised the back of soy milk cartons don't have missing hipster children.

I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

My parents were mimes. The "sex talk" was really awkward.

After I masturbate, I like sitting on my hand for a while so it feels like someone else makes me a sandwich.

So embarrassing! I was mentally undressing this chick and I got stuck trying to remove her bra for like 10 minutes!

All good things come to those you hate.

I'm convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

With my luck, I bet if I was homeless, I'd probably end up with the shopping cart with the fucked up wheel.

I just wanna be rich enough to buy a water bed filled with tears of my enemies.

My cat, Stevens, will now only answer to the name Yusuf Islameow, for some reason. That's weird.

The cap of a BIC pen is like a dog's chewing toy for humans.

A twelve-pack of beer is equivalent to a bouquet of roses in a bromance.

I think my favorite Transformer is probably RuPaul.

It seems what America should really be having is loan shark week.

An umbrella in your drink should really be there to protect your drink from your tears.

I wonder what will Dora be exploring once she gets to college.