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The more I neglect to prepare for my job, the more I realize how little preparation my job requires.
You had me at "hello", ...... and then you kept talking and you lost me.
OK, I'll admit it, occasionally I wipe a few extra times because it feels good and I'm lonely.
Pandora needs a "Oh yeah, right there, don't stop!" button.
Coffee to get me through the morning. Twitter to get me through the afternoon. Alcohol to get me through the night.
Stop laughing at my request for an over 30 bball court at open gym you little slut. In 3 yrs u are going to be a puffy version of yourself.
Parenting challenge #3: pretending everything your dimwitted kids say or do is interesting and intelligent.
Having an erection is like having a tennis court, it's great to have one, but it's a ton more fun if someone wants to play on it with you.
1 yo has learned how to start the dishwasher, I'm pretty sure the confusion it creates is going to cause a divorce.
Pro tip for the young guys: if you think she is close, you are only about half way there.
Millions of people on Twitter, but 2 of you star my morally corrupt, degenerate stuff and I see it as solid proof I'm perfectly normal.
Apparently I've found the time of the week that the strippers do their grocery shopping.
I'm not stealing your tweets, I'm stealing your avi's.
I bought 6 a bike for her birthday, she doesn't touch it. Her favorite toy right now is a plastic bag she tied to a low branch with a string
Don't you love it when your wife watches hours of tv that tells her how to be a better person and doesn't absorb any of it?
Sometimes I let the soap burn my eyes to try to wash out the porn I've seen.
Honestly, sometimes I star tweets because I appreciate the effort, even if the execution wasn't perfect.
My favorite way to tell my wife where I want to put it is with the hand puppet our therapist gave us.
I'm married and have 3 daughters, but my phone had to learn "bitch" for that last tweet. Wow, I guess I'm not the asshole I thought I was.
This shampoo has so many fruits, vegetables, and herbs in it I'm going to eat it for lunch.
You come here to read tweets that make your tweets look good.