Girls don't fart, they ruin lives and break hearts.

Hi, I'm just calling to find out if you're happy with your current orgasm provider?

Shine bright like a hymen.

My girlfriend always gets jealous when I cheat on her.

Guns don't kill people. Sharks with guns involved in turf wars with crocodiles kill people.

I need to stop having sex with women before checking if they're fucking insane or not. This shit has to stop.

Some days I think too much, but seriously, if you were a blade of grass what blade of grass would you be?

Next door's kids won't stop screaming so I'm playing porn at full volume.

The hooker and I drove while intoxicated to a nearby motel, where we engaged in a filthy, disgusting, drug-fuelled game of Scrabble.

Don't believe everything you hear. If you do, you'd believe a 12 year old on Call of Duty fucked my dead mother.

"What holds you back from communicating with the people around you?" "Hate, mostly, but mostly my distaste for communication."

You know you've got issues when you start laminating pages of porn magazines to take in the shower with you.

So America is now 'Home of the Free with Limitations on Freedom of Speech and Bits of Censorship' because of Wikileaks? Nice.

"I'm naked in your bed waiting for you" "I moved. Let me know how it goes."

When I die, my corpse is gonna be used in one of those American Civil War re-enactments. The adult video kind.

Cunnilingus Tip: Shout insults at the vagina. The vibrating air waves will result in stimulation.

I wonder who my future wife thinks she's in love with right now...

My ability to form intimate relationships was sacrificed for the ability to take drugs, and take them like a pro.

My nemesis is Zombie-Jesus dressed up as a stormtrooper riding a twelve-foot fire-breathing rainbow snail.

Hi Americans. I've just been told I should let you know, those earthquakes are actually my girlfriend getting out of bed. Sorry.