I unfollowed reality the day I joined Twitter.

I hope you never get a life because I like your tweets.

Your tweets are star funny, but they're not retweet funny. I hope you understand.

I once won an argument with a woman.





In this dream I had.

Retweet like you have no followers, but make sure you do.

Father, forgive them, for they know not what they star. (Favstar 23:43)

Twitter is a place where women tweet about masturbation, and men masturbate to those tweets.

Stupidity kills more people than alcohol and tobacco, combine.

Say no to stupid!

Save yourselves from Twitter, it's already too late for me.

When you're chasing her, you'd do anything for her. When she's yours, you want her to do everything for you.



This is why you're single.

If dumb people stop making babies, who are we going to send to protect our freedom in the future?

Sometimes I don't even know why I follow some people, then I look at my tweets and I feel honored that they are actually following me.

Twitter is the worst escort service ever.

Would it kill you to learn another language? If you're an American, the answer is yes, apparently.

Fuck Simon, he can say whatever he wants, I'm not doing it.

Sometimes I'm so bored that I actually read your tweets before I star them.

It's better to have loved and lost, than to remain a virgin and live in your parents basement.

There's a reason I don't tweet as much as you do, that's because I'm better at pretending I have a life.

My life has alternate endings.

When you stop caring, you can start having fun here.