Hello, I'd like to cancel my subscription to your issues.

Sext: I just shaved so we have like 24 hours before my entire crotch is swallowed in itchy stubble. I have beer.

Just realized I have a social media mullet. Facebook is my business in the front, Twitter is my party in the back.

The best joke on Twitter is the one where everyone cool lives too far away to actually hang out.

The coolest people don't give a shit about being cool.

I just realized that Arby's is probably called that because RB stands for roast beef. I'm 35.

I take pictures in the bathroom like every other girl. I'm just classy enough to crop out the toilet

Spent my whole childhood dying to be an adult. Spending my adulthood wishing I was a kid again.

Only the brokenhearted admire the heartless.

I always do my best, it's just that sometimes my best is an idiot.

It's funny, in real life I would never take advice from someone named Vag McWeinerface who's flipping me off but somehow on Twitter it works

Girls in their twenties are absolutely gorgeous but women in their thirties just take it to the next level.

SHUT UP VAGINA!!!! He's not the right guy for us!! Idiot vagina.

"Life is like a box of shit." -Forrest Gump, if I had written that movie.

Sometimes when I get lonely I like to think that burritos are somewhere thinking of me too.

I have a pornographic memory.

You're one in a million, I'm one of a kind. There's a difference.

I've only had Twitter for a few days and I can already tell I'm gonna beat it way faster than I did Mario Cart.

Whenever a military man is behind me in line at the store I stick my butt out and arch my back. Because, patriotism.

I hope everyone stocked up on water and flashlights! This y2k thing sounds terrifying! I just read all about it in my doctors office.