Can you believe in a couple of hours its gna be my two worst days all in one. Valentines and Monday. Fuck! shit!

Whenever you're bored with life, send this message to a random number "...ok, its done. I've hid the body"

What does a burnt pizza, frozen beer & pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario there was a Douchebag who didn't take it out in time.

☐ Single ☐ Taken ☑ making up lame reasons as to why I'm alone, and trying to pass them off as funny!

Whenever I talk to someone who stutters, I yell..."REMIX"

Idols is finally over! I'm so happy I could give money to a street kid...ok I'm lying, I could never be that happy!

Gosh nothing makes me feel more sexier when the prisoners at court, shackles and all, hit on me! I feel so special

The 13th of February is Valentine's day for all mistresses!

Well, well, well. Aint this the truth! Dirty, dirty ho! @kimkardashian http://t.co/WZQjd5l3

Its only rape if I say no! Or if my father walks in! which ever happens first...

I've done my part...now it's up to you good people to do your part!!! Together we can stop this fucked up craze pic.twitter.com/sjXi0kEd

The people at work won't shut up about Twilight and they are happy about Justin Bieber winning at the awards. I now truly know what hell is

Its a horrible thought, that Nelson Mandela's face is going to end up in strippers g-strings!

@garethcliff I agree with 100% Sleep Man is the best superhero. Can I be your sidekick

Nicki Manaj: Pink hair
Katy Perry: Blue hair
Rihanna: Red hair
Lady Gaga: Green hair
The fucking Power Rangers are back folks

"Attention people who think the world ends December 21 2012: you can stop using condoms this month"

WOW! You're hot! At night...... Miles away......... Behind a wall......In a cave...... Deep underground......To a blind person.

That awkward moment when its actually not remotely awkward and you embarrass yourself by saying 'that awkward moment'!

I'm sure a lot of housewives are glad that schools are open!!! Let the affairs begin

RT @ispeakcomedy: Dear Santa.. I've been good all year. Okay most of the time, Maybe once in a while. Fu*k it ill buy my own shit.