Just saw a spider and screamed like a woman! In my defense, I am a woman. And it did have a knife.

My husband called me immature AND middle aged in the same sentence and now I forgot how to give blow jobs. : /

I put mascara on just to look more dramatic when I cry.

It's ok to use the handicap stall if you're on twitter right?

Dear Husbands,
Sometimes we flip you off when you turn around.
Love,
Wives

To me, a dad being goofy and playing with his kids is one of the sexiest things I've ever seen.

Ok, I guess I overreacted but he just bit right into the Kit Kat bar on an angle! They're four separate pieces weirdo!

If I ever say anything on twitter that's offensive, it's only because I meant it.

Some of you make me laugh at things I'm utterly ashamed of laughing at. Thank you.

My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams. That's why I take so many naps.

Does anyone know of a good soap or body wash that removes self-loathing?

My husband doesn't want me to go on the girl's trip to Vegas this year so we compromised and I'm going on the girl's trip to Vegas.

I came to twitter for some laughs and all I got was this lousy t-shirt that says "I'm fucked up now"

My phone autocorrects dorkasaurus to dorkalicious. What I'm trying to say is, I'm a dork.

How to tweet 101:
1. Take your pants off.
2. Type.

Just sang Subway's entire $5 Footlong jingle in my head while glaring at the girl who just asked "Um, how much is the Footlong?"

I'm an extremely safe and cautious driver when all my good undies are in the wash.

If I had one chance to have sex with anyone, dead or alive, it would definitely be alive.

It's 94 degrees and my son thought it was funny to turn my seat warmer on. That kids is so getting high fived when I get home!

I'm not a good liar so when my mom asked me about the 4 unfolded baskets of laundry, I told her about Twitter. She wants to meet all of you.