I realize now that my favorite tweets are the funny ones about boobs. And my second favorite are the not funny ones about boobs.

Out of the Three Investigators I know Jupiter Jones was the smart one but I always rooted for Pete Crenshaw

Orgasms R like opinions:
If I like u I will embellish urs by manipulation until urs intersects mine the way I want them 2, that's always fun

Put in resume 4 human dildo job,there's sum stiff competition-I think if I'm forceful & steady I will push ahead-shoot I'm gona have a ball

Ironically President LB Johnson had a one pound penis

Its the morning and I'm going to try to make good decisions today.
Except I've signed on to Twitter so I'm in a 1 to nothing hole already.

Okay if anyone is on an interstate anywhere in America
pull the fuck over goddamit, I'm gona drive home now & I don't want anyone in my way

Guess I'm out of touch...girl called and asked if I wanted to go planking. I said yes. I ran out for condoms. Much embarassment followed.

I'm not good with tech terms ... I thought "reboot" meant "kick a second time" and my laptop paid the price for my ignorance.

Felt good tho

its good that beer comes in 6paks. It let's me share them with my ...



self over the course of a couple of hours.

#selfish

McCynicals 3 step program to cure every addiction but one:

1. Identify & admit addiction
2. Sign up 4 Twitter account
3. Begin Tweeting

@getoffendedbone rejected ideas for naming Vagisil were

Vag-Itch-B-Gone
ScratchySnach
Cooter Soother
Taco Tamer
PussyPure
LabiaLove

A day without Twitter is like a day without .. constant off the cuff interruptions by 100s of people shouting out random shit in2 ur earhole

If Im eating by self&put food on plate does that make me a jerkwad?
I rarely do it but was thinking of it today...
Would like 2B jerkwad

The hottest girls like rebellious men. So lately, 2 get attention, I've been wearing striped ties with plaid shirt. I'm the shit like that.

Taking a car trip is like Twitter. I like to look over at the girls wearing skirts to see which ones have shiny fingers. Then I follow them.

If I could be one person from History it would B Calvin...I would love 2 have a Tiger 4 a best friend and sledding is downright adrenalistic

My super power is the ability to look mad as hell without saying a word...just for fun

Has anyone ever noticed that Kevin Bacon is a bit of a ham?

@parker287 does the Chad on ur block also drive an Iraq Z and date Saudia? If so no worries Iran him offer last week cuz I had heard Egypt u