Watching the reruns of Andy Griffith Show, I'm left to wonder why Floyd didn't just go on a killing spree.

I now have 20 followers. Seriously, are you all my mom?

Albert Pujols called time out to give the crowd a chance to applaud longer for Prince Fielder. Class act. #nlcs #stlcards

It's kind of nice being the only one on twitter.

I'm going to start running an extra mile every week, which means next week I'll run a mile.

I used to think I had lost my funny but discovered that I'd just left it in that Jameson bottle.

Okay fine! Next time at Mass I WON'T bring my own cheese for the communion wafer but that's so lame.

I'm now accepting new followers. Please. Get ready for the stampede! ...... Very funny.

Uh uh go Cardinals go Cardinals uh uh.

Oh yeah. You'd be laughing if you could see my dance that goes with that.

Just bought a piece of the downed satellite on eBay. Sorta looks like a rusted refrigerator but fell into the high grass of a guy's yard.

Just woke up & currently challenging my bladder to a death fight, me wanting to stay in bed. Irish are stubborn. I'm probably going to die.

I will drink you all under the bar because I'm Irish! Filed under things not to say at Finnegan's Pub.

I remember back in 1985 when I was on twitter and had 37,000 followers and then ... well, I might be drunk.

I think it's a good thing that they put up "No Smoking" signs in the fireworks tent while the owner BBQ's a few feet away. Safety 1st!

I guess I shouldn't have answered "no sir" when that lady cop asked me if I was drunk. But I'm still pretty sure she had a penis.

300 lb. guy at the diner was eating a burger & fries and between bites taking a puff of his cigar. That's what I call living.

Her last email used the terms "drop dead or kill yourself." Yep. She wants me.

Things are going well for me on twitter. I now have 10 followers. Well, 5 if you don't count the Viagra salesmen.

I don't know which would be easier. Cleaning this place up, or just buying a hazmat suit.

I just ricocheted a rubber band off the wall into my brother's glass of beer. I believe that's worthy of a Nobel Prize in physics.