My girlfriend and I are finally at the stage in our relationship where if she doesn't text me back within 3 minutes I want to kill everyone.

If you are walking towards me and we know each other, I can make you a guarantee that I'm thinking: 'Oh great, not this cunt.'

I've eaten so many hot wings this week, It'll be a fucking miracle if I don't shit a chicken made entirely from lava.

The worst part about having multiple girlfriends is remembering which one dies if she eats sour cream.

My name is Jake, but my friends call me 'hey faggot'.

I just went to Walmart and my immune system told me to go fuck myself.

Pizza is a lot like my dick because apparently you're not allowed to hit police officers with either of those things.

Pro Tip- If you're always high or drunk at work, your employer will think that's just how you are.

Can't wait to see Sarah Jessica Parker in 'War Horse'.

My girlfriend couldn't work an electronic if it fucked her in the mouth.

The line between whether I have to fart or shit is pretty blurry today.

Wasn't there a bunch of people protesting soap like 2 months ago?

My internet stopped working and won't be fixed until Friday in case anyone asks why I just burnt down my house.

Give me 2 minutes max and I can easily make your car smell like a Nebraska State Fair outhouse. Easily.

Not thrilled about all the shitty people probably having unprotected sex right now.

Can't be sure, but I think I just saw Samual L. Jackson robbing a Poppey's.

Roses are red violets are violet. Stop arguing with me you colorblind cunt.

It turns out people DO have an 'off' button. It's right on the back of the head, but you have to push it with something heavy like a brick.

Don't invite me to a lingerie party and make me the bad guy because you didn't specify who is supposed to be wearing lingerie.

If rain is God crying, then snow is probably God throwing a bukkake party right?