Birth control pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.

Did you know that drinking just one bottle of coconut water a day gives you enough energy to go fuck yourself!?

I wish vaginas had a ''righty tighty, lefty loosey'' option, so you could set it to fit your preference.

I tried brushing my teeth with my left hand this morning and I broke my arm in four places.

Accidentally kicked a guy in the face. Tried to ask 'R u ok?' & 'I'm fucking sorry' at the same time, ended up yelling 'R u fucking sorry?!'

Can't LMFAO change their name to STFU?

My ex gf asked me if all my tweets are true. Yes, I really did spacefuck an alien!

I accidentally took two multivitamins this morning and now I can time travel.

That awkward moment when you going down on a beautiful girl only to look up and it's actually your meth dealer Vincent.

I don't know where I get my sense of humor from, coz both my parents wear their cellphone on their hip.

My milkshake brought the IRS to the yard. Subsequently, my operation has been shut down :(

I'm very new to Twitter and I can already tell this is going to end with me staring at myself in a puddle screaming ''WHYYYYYYY???''

I'm Facebook in the streets and Twitter in the sheets.

Phew! Finally, after 3 excruciating weeks I managed to finish reading the new iTunes Terms and Conditions :)

I wish I had a petit butler named Hobson follow me around and say ''Very good, Sir'' after every one of my tweets.

Girl, I'm not saying you're a slut, but you have a higher sperm count than I do.

Sometimes when I'm in a movie theater I'll stand up mid film and say: ''Does anybody want some of my popcorn?''

Two of my greatest pleasures are sensually sliding off a girl's panties and making someone laugh, too often those occur at the same time.

Ask your doctor about heroin and see if it's right for you.

"Thank God I'm an atheist." - confused atheist.