Spent the last 2 hours trying to set fire to the rain. Adele is full of shit.

As a professional comedian myself, I know the golden rule of comedy, which is to never stoop so low as to acknowledge @robdelaney

If u r arguing w/ some1 u don't no very well, try out this line for a sure victory: "wow, what a shitty way to spend my birthday :-( "

Sure, I've never boxed before, but I am in a mugh higher weight class than Floyd Mayweather Jr so I would just pummel him if we ever fought!

The Universe is 70 billion light years wide & my wife is worried about a small dent in the car?!? C'mon babe! What's the big picture here!?

I wish there was a radio station that only played the empowering, inspirational background music they play on credit card commercials!

Does anyone know where I can find a GOOD Male Nursing Bra?

If you feel passionate about something, there's no reason why you shouldn't get into a shouting match during a job interview.

I could go ALL NIGHT in the club. Assuming "the club" is a never-ending bowl of delicious Frosted Flakes cereal with soy milk.

This is a mass message to all my close friends and loved ones: I am stranded at this autobody shop and f%#& all of you.

The thing about buying a used car is you have NO IDEA how much the old owner farted in it.

*Rushes out of bed to get McD's breakfast* *Looks at clock* 10:26 *tears up* I am trapped in morning hell.

1 of my biggest fears is filling up a car tire so full it pops as I fill it. I usually get dizzy from blowing before it gets to that point.

Those hits like Maldonado's were the only hits I'd get when I played high school ball #brewers

Michael just launched his cap and forgot to take the tassel off. Could see that comin' from a mile away (because I did that too)

@mcmac86 @realbirddog watchin' the Race at the Tebs residence! @espressoshot #NASCAR #Darlington http://t.co/ts7c4Nbz

Whoever said “teeth are not tools” has obviously never been to the DMV.

I really wish they had an elevator at the YMCA

Those ten day beers today kinda killed my diet.

Bruce just took 4oz of white gold (breastmilk) straight to the dome.