Anyone who thinks sex with a condom doesn't feel as good, try scraping diarrhea off your daughter's crib at 3 AM.

New Sex Move, The Raccoon:

After having sex, leave their house and kick over the trash can.

How do I convert FavStar trophies into hugs from my father?

This just in: Florida has legalized 12th trimester abortions.

I start my tables with, "Hi, I didn't win Powerball tonight, so I'll be your waiter."

If you unfollow people because they're not funny, that's one thing. But trimming your follows to look elite makes you an asshole.

One time I tripped acid so hard, I was eating this black Twizzler for over an hour. Turned out to be some guy's dreadlock.

Ladies, it sucks being a guy: One minute you're searching online for a great idea, next you're masturbating into a sock.

"Be the strange you want to see in the world"

I'm one life choice away from being the guy who yells at buses.

Vacuum before dusting or dust before vacuuming or continue to lie on the floor and wonder why dad never loved
me?

One time I listened to a Sting album and ejaculated 7 days later.

My life is like Monopoly: I've never seen free parking, I'm always in jail and I fucking hate Monopoly.

Twitter truism: The whores aren't really whores but the crazies are fucking insane.

Dear homophobes: If you were choking, would you stop a gay man from giving you the Heimlich?

Women with higher than average intelligence are the ultimate cockblock.

I just found out that ALF was played by Roseanne Barr's vagina!

I just chose my beverage based on the fewest number of items I'd have to move in my fridge to get to it.

And the two twitter warriors return to their corners and delete the conversation that occurred.

If you think 7 years of bad luck for breaking a mirror is bad, try breaking a condom.