Doesn't sound like the D.A.R.E. Program worked for any of you.

I really hope Brad Pitt screamed "What's in the box!" into Angelina's vagina at least once before they had sex.

"It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I knead you now!"
- Drunk cat kneading on a blanket late at night, probably.

Size matters if we're talking about birthday cake portions.

I'm the Kermit the frog of eating pork.

Wait, so bearing someone's children doesn't mean mauling them to death?

"Fool me once"... Actually you won't even fool me once. I'm too skittish and paranoid to trust anyone.

My dad sent me a Facebook friend request. Denied!

Dad spends too much time talking to your avi's.

That moment when her avi has two girls in it & you find out she's the ugly dude in the background.

I really only registered as a democrat because Beyoncé likes her fellas to the left.

I don't wanna tell you how to tweet, but someone should. Because you're doing it wrong.

"I want to be inside of you."
-tapeworms.

I'm the T.A.T.U. of pretending to be a homosexual to get male attention...
Wait, what?

My girlfriends a CILF.

I'm starting to feel like attempting to catch the red dot is an exercise in futility.

PSA: Anti-freeze tastes like Kool-Aid! So don't leave it on the ground for me to drink.

I'm not bending down to pick up a coin unless it's at least a quarter.

Happy birthday, dad! That litter box isn't gonna clean itself.

No women will ever measure up to my mother since she waited a whole 8 weeks before she abandoned me to a pet shop.