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I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY SOMEBODY WOULD BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-oh...never mind, I found it
Let's try sex before we rush into dating.
If we meet in person and you do not look like your avi, you should buy me drinks till you do...it's somewhere in the constitution
If I threw a party for all my followers it would just be a room full of people sitting in dark corners fighting over sockets
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
The mami seated next to me has a cute baby boy. Like a year old. I winked at him and he touched my boob…I will wait for him
A stranger called me last night asking to meet them in a dark alley because he wanted to see my boobs. Fucking weirdo. . he didn't show up
I'm my own boss. . .now let me sleep with myself to get a promotion
Getting your wife a gun for protection is like saying you wanna kill yourself but you want it to be a surprise
When one door closes, another one opens...now I regret buying a second hand car.
Neighbor thinks I'm stalking him. Any time he hears a noise he is purified...petrified...Sorry, not easy reading a diary through binoculars
The worst feeling in the world is being in love with somebody that knows how to untie rope and run away while you're napping.
Nothing beats a beautiful girl with a great singing voice. . .well except Chris Brown, of Course.
Sometimes I'm so lonely, I sit on my left hand till it gets numb then I put it on my right hand & pretend I'm holding hands with a friend 😢
Retweet if you don't have a Twitter account
So, to be popular here I should possess a keen wit, flawless grammar, impeccable spelling, perfect timing & multiple personality disorders?
I'd like to have a word with you...The word is sex.
"Don't tell anyone I said this." - Anonymous.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn't!" he infact did...
I'm so metal my Ex-boyfriends have tetanus \m/ Humor is my defense against the universe & everything I say is genius. God's hideous creation