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Put me on a mat, in a warm room, with serenity music playing and then expect me to do yoga? I say, 'kick me if I start to snore'.
How to wear a fedora:
1) Be Indiana Jones.
2) Stop chuckling. I'm serious.
3) Hey. Numbnuts. You're not Indiana Jones. Take it off.
1) Be Indiana Jones.
2) Stop chuckling. I'm serious.
3) Hey. Numbnuts. You're not Indiana Jones. Take it off.
Man, the Vatican hates Avatar. I guess there's a lot of professional jealousy in the fantasy field.
14
I sometimes get excited when my iPhone buzzes, and then I remember that I just sent myself an email. #pathetic
3
Divorced people welcome too* #catholictaglines
*As long as they sit in back and don't take communion.
*As long as they sit in back and don't take communion.
Expressing an opinion is not arrogance. Believing someone's opinion is an insult directed at you, is.
8
Give a man a compliment and he'll be happy for a day. Teach a man to fish for compliments and he'll just get REALLY annoying.
The bartender flirts with me to get me to tip more. I flirt with him to get free drinks. We both agree that this is the best game ever.
Wife: “Working out again? You have a girlfriend or something?”
Me: “Why, what’ve you heard?”
She laughed so hard I’m sleeping on the couch.
Me: “Why, what’ve you heard?”
She laughed so hard I’m sleeping on the couch.
I saw one of those COEXIST stickers on the back of a car. I am all for that as long as you leave me alone and stay out of my space.
1st day of new diet. I call it: "The Stop Melting Cheese On Everything You Eat Diet (Except things that already have cheese - like pizza)"
My creative use of what's left in the pantry shows that I am a natural Betty Crocker. (She drank before noon too, right?)
You know what's better than vanilla soymilk in coffee? Vanilla soymilk all down the front of my shirt. Wait, what? Balls!
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