Some bitches should NOT do porn. I just threw up.

On the cameraman. I think I'm fired.

You know how your friend has that psycho ex-girlfriend?

I'm not bragging or anything, but I'm pretty sure it was me. Preeetty sure.

I just saw an old crush with his new wife and baby...

Maybe if you were smart and married me--your kid would actually be cute.

It's over. I thought you were honest about your fillings. But you sugar coated everything! You're a fucking piece of crêpe and I ATE YOU!

Whatever. I didn't want to be a part of your Twitter clique *anyway.*

Assholes.

I'll make my own.

Owning the only vagina in the house doesn't mean I know where all your misplaced things are.

However, I know where your hidden stuff is.

Sometimes I read your jokes, and I'm like, "Hey, I fucking thought that, too!" And then I get fucking pissed because I can't use it anymore.

If you can't say something nice about someone, make sure they don't have access to your Twitter account.

I don't know why you people are grossed out about female ejaculation. Everyone that's sipped my lemonade liked it.

I think it is so unfortunate for me that all my alter egos know my Twitter account password.

If you don't wanna babyproof cabinets and drawers you should babyproof the drawers in your pants first.

My mom just left, and so did my headache. Coincidence? No.

Hey Twitter, Jesus called. He said he wants his followers back.

She grunted & groaned, vigorously thrusting. Lively breasts bouncing w/ every plunge. She needed a man--FINALLY--the toilet is unclogged!

Seriously, can I trade my stars for sex? 20 stars for one hour, 55 stars for anal? Just askin', because IRL, I don't need fucking stars.

Anyone get paranoid that other people are listening to how much toilet paper you're using?

I'm listening you 16-Wiper.

A Craigslist employer wants a recent photograph of me. If my resume isn't good enough for you then...


THESE BOOBIES SHOULD SEAL THE DEAL!

Fluent drunk jargon is really on my resume... One of the perks of being a bartender and an alcoholic.

Apparently--not a good idea to include my lawyer, probation officer, and mom on my references.

I'm never gonna get a 2nd interview.

If going to jail didn't cost so much damn money and court appearances, it would be totally worth it to kick your motherfucking ass.