Buy me a drink and I'll listen to your problem. Buy me another and I'll solve It. Buy me a third and I'll be your new problem.

I am working on making my doorbell sound like I am starting up a chainsaw.

I figured out long ago that I cannot make anyone do anything. That is a fact. But I sure can make them wish they had. That is a better fact.

I would be a pretty good owl. Sleep all day. Get up at dark and find someting to eat. Cough up stuff. Watch shit going on and shake my head.

I took the kid's school lunch money, bought a model rocket kit and launched it into a tree. He understands North Korea pretty good now.

My smoke detectors mostly detect dying batteries and burning steaks.

My grass is so tall I duct taped one of those bike flags to my ass so the wife could keep track of me going to/from the mailbox.

I'm so hungry I could almost get up off my flat lazy ass and yell for somebody to bring me something to eat.

If I follow you, you made me laugh and/or think. Either/both make me a better person, so thanks.

I was going to mow my lawn, but I see the neighbor is setting up his patio for some kind of party, so I will wait until I have an audience.

I hate monkeys for what they did to Dorothy in the past, and for what they do to the Statue of Liberty in the future.

True story. My WWI Vet neighbor, to me, shortly before he passed: I would have taken less shit, eaten more ice cream, and fucked more women.

Every time I see a Siamese cat I always feel kind of bad for the other one that, well, you know. . . .

I never vote for a candidate; I vote for that sticker. I really want that sticker.

Somedays you get up and just think, damn. And that's as far as your get.

Some days, I cannot believe I work here. So I don't.

I think the Wizard of Oz is the best PSA ever because it shows how to prepare for tornadoes, witches, wizards, wusses, and flying monkeys.

Tomorrow is go to Costco and eat 200 little cups of whatever the hell they're giving away in little cups for free day.

Just make all the metal stuff out of rubber instead and that solves a lot of safety problems.

Really, guys and dolls, the only way we get out of this fucking mess is if we rediscover our ability to laugh at ourselves and each other.