Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.

WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!

"Grandma, that's Niki Minaj."

I'm terming a new word. "Askhole"- A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them!

One day, long, long ago there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

If there were no bad parents there would be no good strip clubs.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.

Women say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonalds outfit none of them will even talk to me.

I wouldn't say you're stupid. You are, but I wouldn't say it.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Her: Take the condom off!

Me: why?

Her: YOLO

Me: Ok but if you get pregnant YOYO

Her:What's that.

Me:You on Yo own

While Twitter is the slutty wife we all share, Facebook has become the humorless mother-in-law we all endure.

curiousity killed the cat but it also got my penis stuck in the vacuum

They say REVENGE is a dish best served cold. They also say REVENGE is sweet. This means, basically REVENGE is ICE-CREAM.

If any of my tweets have made even one person's day better, then there's something seriously wrong with that person

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.

Men who shave their legs. probably shave their vaginas as well!

Forget waterboarding. You want confessions? Lock the guy in a room with a laptop, a Twitter account and a bottle of whiskey.

Vodka is just potatoes that made the right career choices.

Don't worry ladies. One day you'll find a guy that will ruin your lipstick, not your mascara.