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In space no one can hear you scream. On a conference call no one can see you give them the finger.
I'm pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when they stopped gathering food and started having status meetings to discuss gathering food.
I know it's cold out, but I'm pretty sure that boots up to your cameltoe is not appropriate business attire.
Thanks for the voicemail about the email you sent. If you send me another email about the voicemail, then we'll complete the circle of life.
I've counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include "loose weight". Can I add spelling to your list too?
Vacation isn't over when you show up to work; it's over the minute you set your alarm.
Sorry, kids, all the trees are gone because people keep printing out copies of PowerPoint for everyone even though it's up on the screen.
LinkedIn is a parallel universe where everyone has a great job and works at a great company.
Jetsons? Hardly. The future turns out to be playing Scrabble from the toilet at work with someone halfway around the world.
My tolerance for idiots is at an all-time low today. I used to have some immunity built up, but there must be a new strain.
My favorite part of the conference call was the first 20 minutes of "who just joined?"
I have a strongly-held religious belief that meetings shouldn't last longer than 30 minutes, so when will the Supreme Court back me up?
THE BRONX ZOO SNAKE HAS BEEN FOUND. Which is great news, because i've killed at least 14 black extension cords since Monday.
Mock the guy who predicted the end of the world all you want, but he's $70 million richer and you still have to go to work Monday.
In honor of Columbus I got lost on the way to the office and ended up in Philly, but rather than admit I was wrong, I declared it for Spain.
"Some people are so passive-aggressive," I say from my anonymous internet account.
Were Moses alive today they would be known as the Ten Best Practices, presented in PowerPoint and followed by 40 years of status meetings.
Pussies call in sick. Real men drag their ass in and do nothing all day.
Not one reporter has called to ask if I'm OK with having a gay coworker. Do reporters only ask professional athletes if they are bigots?