In space no one can hear you scream. On a conference call no one can see you give them the finger.

I know it's cold out, but I'm pretty sure that boots up to your cameltoe is not appropriate business attire.

Thanks for the voicemail about the email you sent. If you send me another email about the voicemail, then we'll complete the circle of life.

I've counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include "loose weight". Can I add spelling to your list too?

My tolerance for idiots is at an all-time low today. I used to have some immunity built up, but there must be a new strain.

Jetsons? Hardly. The future turns out to be playing Scrabble from the toilet at work with someone halfway around the world.

THE BRONX ZOO SNAKE HAS BEEN FOUND. Which is great news, because i've killed at least 14 black extension cords since Monday.

"Some people are so passive-aggressive," I say from my anonymous internet account. 

Vacation isn't over when you show up to work; it's over the minute you set your alarm.

Mock the guy who predicted the end of the world all you want, but he's $70 million richer and you still have to go to work Monday.

In honor of Columbus I got lost on the way to the office and ended up in Philly, but rather than admit I was wrong, I declared it for Spain.

Pussies call in sick. Real men drag their ass in and do nothing all day.

Were Moses alive today they would be known as the Ten Best Practices, presented in PowerPoint and followed by 40 years of status meetings.

Friday afternoon before the #SuperBowl. Time to take a knee and run the clock out. pic.twitter.com/JvwlAVFX

A group of lions is called a pride; a group of crows is called a murder; and a group of buzzwords is called a PowerPoint presentation.

Oh, look! The CEO brought in a consultant to tell him what we've been saying for months. Sure beats listening!

"Dumb it down. Remember, you're presenting it to management."

Wouldn't it be great if we had an orchestra to play off anyone who makes a meeting run long?
#GoldenGlobes

I hope Pope Benedict XVI remembers to clear his internet history before he leaves.

I declare today, the Friday before Labor Day, as National Pretend To Work Day.