In space no one can hear you scream. On a conference call no one can see you give them the finger.

I know it's cold out, but I'm pretty sure that boots up to your cameltoe is not appropriate business attire.

Thanks for the voicemail about the email you sent. If you send me another email about the voicemail, then we'll complete the circle of life.

My tolerance for idiots is at an all-time low today. I used to have some immunity built up, but there must be a new strain.

Jetsons? Hardly. The future turns out to be playing Scrabble from the toilet at work with someone halfway around the world.

THE BRONX ZOO SNAKE HAS BEEN FOUND. Which is great news, because i've killed at least 14 black extension cords since Monday.

"Some people are so passive-aggressive," I say from my anonymous internet account. 

Mock the guy who predicted the end of the world all you want, but he's $70 million richer and you still have to go to work Monday.

In honor of Columbus I got lost on the way to the office and ended up in Philly, but rather than admit I was wrong, I declared it for Spain.

Pussies call in sick. Real men drag their ass in and do nothing all day.

Oh, look! The CEO brought in a consultant to tell him what we've been saying for months. Sure beats listening!

"Dumb it down. Remember, you're presenting it to management."

No, I wasn't playing Devil's Advocate. I really think your idea is stupid.

I declare today, the Friday before Labor Day, as National Pretend To Work Day.

There are 3 kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and working from home.

If you're going to complain about my lateness, shouldn't you
a) be on time yourself?
b) arrive before me?
c) go fuck yourself?

A fax? You're sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?

VERDICT REACHED. Casey Anthony is NOT GUILTY. My boss is ecstatic: "This is a great day for sociopaths and liars."

Sleeping pills? Who needs those? We've got PowerPoint.

Getting an excellent performance review but then no raise is like being told you get dessert then learning dessert is celery.