I've counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include "loose weight". Can I add spelling to your list too?

Mock the guy who predicted the end of the world all you want, but he's $70 million richer and you still have to go to work Monday.

Thanks for the voicemail about the email you sent. If you send me another email about the voicemail, then we'll complete the circle of life.

Vacation isn't over when you show up to work; it's over the minute you set your alarm.

Were Moses alive today they would be known as the Ten Best Practices, presented in PowerPoint and followed by 40 years of status meetings.

In honor of Columbus I got lost on the way to the office and ended up in Philly, but rather than admit I was wrong, I declared it for Spain.

Friday afternoon before the #SuperBowl. Time to take a knee and run the clock out. pic.twitter.com/JvwlAVFX

Wouldn't it be great if we had an orchestra to play off anyone who makes a meeting run long?
#GoldenGlobes

A group of lions is called a pride; a group of crows is called a murder; and a group of buzzwords is called a PowerPoint presentation.

Jetsons? Hardly. The future turns out to be playing Scrabble from the toilet at work with someone halfway around the world.

iOS 6.1 should autocorrect all "you're" and "your" to "UR" to hide the fact that the sender doesn't know the difference.

"This meeting will only take 5 minutes and there'll be a unicorn." One of those claims is laughably outrageous, and the other is a unicorn.

VERDICT REACHED. Casey Anthony is NOT GUILTY. My boss is ecstatic: "This is a great day for sociopaths and liars."

I hope virus writers never figure out that "CUPCAKES IN THE LARGE CONFERENCE ROOM" will get office workers to open any email.

A fax? You're sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?

I hope Pope Benedict XVI remembers to clear his internet history before he leaves.

Guns don't kill people; Comic Sans kills people.

ATTENTION MARKETING DEPARTMENT: Very important chart: pic.twitter.com/hTt8OwFGmo
(from @fred_beecher, @the_nerdery)

I know you think saying you need everything "ASAP" makes you seem important, really it makes you seem like you can't plan.

I declare today, the Friday before Labor Day, as National Pretend To Work Day.