Mock the guy who predicted the end of the world all you want, but he's $70 million richer and you still have to go to work Monday.

Thanks for the voicemail about the email you sent. If you send me another email about the voicemail, then we'll complete the circle of life.

In honor of Columbus I got lost on the way to the office and ended up in Philly, but rather than admit I was wrong, I declared it for Spain.

Jetsons? Hardly. The future turns out to be playing Scrabble from the toilet at work with someone halfway around the world.

VERDICT REACHED. Casey Anthony is NOT GUILTY. My boss is ecstatic: "This is a great day for sociopaths and liars."

A fax? You're sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?

I declare today, the Friday before Labor Day, as National Pretend To Work Day.

Answers to questions asked on the way to the bathroom are not legally binding. People will agree to anything in that situation.

Teens are sending 60 texts a day. It prepares them to send 60 pointless emails a day as office workers someday. Children are our future!

THE BRONX ZOO SNAKE HAS BEEN FOUND. Which is great news, because i've killed at least 14 black extension cords since Monday.

My tolerance for idiots is at an all-time low today. I used to have some immunity built up, but there must be a new strain.

A group of lions is called a "pride", a group of crows is called a "murder", and a group of PowerPoint slides is called a "lie".

There are 3 kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and working from home.

In space no one can hear you scream. On a conference call no one can see you give them the finger.

PowerPoint doesn't bore people; people bore people.

"High priority" emails are really just regular emails from high-maintenance jerks.

Sleeping pills? Who needs those? We've got PowerPoint.

The PSAT is tomorrow, so study hard, kids, because if you do well, someday YOU may be the person boring everyone with PowerPoint.

I can’t be held responsible for what you told me before I had my coffee.

Rome wasn't built in a day, though I'm sure some account guy promised the client it could be without asking the engineer.