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I stir my cocktails with negative pregnancy tests.
I like to lift my feet up so the person in the stall next to me thinks it's a ghost that has diarrhea
I enjoy 70's porn, but every once in a while I realise that the people I'm masturbating to are probably either dead from suicide or AIDS
You turn around. Batman has disappeared. You turn a little bit more. Batman is crouching behind a couch.
Thought I was listening to Dubstep but it turns out I was getting an MRI.
When a woman says, "I normally don't do that but I'll do it with you." She does that. A lot.
Came out of the shower and my cat had one of those slimy rocket boners when he looked at me. Still got it.
Next time I 'bate to porn I'm going to change my desktop photo to more porn so I'm not greeted with a photo of my smiling baby
You probably shouldn't refer to having sex with your wife as 'loading the dishwasher.'
They're just bills. No need to call them outstanding.
Hey people that tweet their horoscopes, let me tell you your future! You will eat an entire pizza, watch Glee and go to bed alone tonight
What's worse than my mom demonstrating my dad's orgasm face? Realising that I make the exact face when I orgasm.
Get the hell away from me with your alligator adorned polo. I'm Lacoste Intolerant.
I'd lose weight if I became a vegan because I would commit suicide and my body would decompose.
Always liked that McDonald's burger stealer. What was his name? Hambthief?
Ever have sex that's so lazy, neither one of you is on top?
Thought someone whispered "pssst" in the stall next to me so I replied "yes?" Turned out it was a fart. A butthole secret.
My mom told me the ice cream truck only played music when it was out of ice cream.
Tic Tacs are the perfect size if your cat's butthole smells.
Axe is pussy Raid
I'm Laura Dern's cryface. http://t.co/Hxcw56z4