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"I wish someone loved me. Ew, not you." -Single people
I stir my cocktails with negative pregnancy tests.
I like to lift my feet up so the person in the stall next to me thinks it's a ghost that has diarrhea
I enjoy 70's porn, but every once in a while I realise that the people I'm masturbating to are probably either dead from suicide or AIDS
You probably shouldn't refer to having sex with your wife as 'loading the dishwasher.'
You turn around. Batman has disappeared. You turn a little bit more. Batman is crouching behind a couch.
Thought I was listening to Dubstep but it turns out I was getting an MRI.
When a woman says, "I normally don't do that but I'll do it with you." She does that. A lot.
Next time I 'bate to porn I'm going to change my desktop photo to more porn so I'm not greeted with a photo of my smiling baby
They're just bills. No need to call them outstanding.
Came out of the shower and my cat had one of those slimy rocket boners when he looked at me. Still got it.
Hey people that tweet their horoscopes, let me tell you your future! You will eat an entire pizza, watch Glee and go to bed alone tonight
Get the hell away from me with your alligator adorned polo. I'm Lacoste Intolerant.
What's worse than my mom demonstrating my dad's orgasm face? Realising that I make the exact face when I orgasm.
Always liked that McDonald's burger stealer. What was his name? Hambthief?
I'd lose weight if I became a vegan because I would commit suicide and my body would decompose.
Ever have sex that's so lazy, neither one of you is on top?
My mom told me the ice cream truck only played music when it was out of ice cream.
Thought someone whispered "pssst" in the stall next to me so I replied "yes?" Turned out it was a fart. A butthole secret.
Tic Tacs are the perfect size if your cat's butthole smells.