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As a Jew, I made my New Years resolutions months ago. The rest of you slackers need to catch up.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. As long as she's not prettier and skinnier than I am.
The beauty of Israeli women is a gift from God to straight men and lesbians, and a punishment from the devil to other straight women.
I like to keep a healthy balance in my life of yoga and crouching over computer screen for hours refreshing my interactions page.
Was told most women know w/in 10 minutes if they r going 2 sleep w/ u.So it takes them longer 2 pick an outfit than a penis?
Whenever a new Ginger follows me, I think, "No! Don't pretend to know me! The rest will find out about our secret meetings!"
A camper told me that Iron Man doesn't count as a cool superhero. I cut a hole in her chest and said, "So who's gonna help you now?"
Know that when you respond to my texts with "K," what I'm reading is "Potassium."
If you're out jogging and someone obnoxiously asks you, "Hey! What you running from?!" Answer, "Type 2 Diabetes."
You're never going to fix a problem by ignoring it.
Unless the problem is that you're paying too much attention to something.
I have a first date with a cute lady tonight so if all goes well does anyone want to help me move next week?
The Jews 4 Jesus in the subway say "Jesus made me Kosher." So I guess we know who we're eating first when the apocalypse hits.
There are dick jokes and boob jokes. "Black" jokes and "White" jokes. Jokes for Jews and for Catholics. But fart jokes are for everyone.
The best revenge is happiness. And also a really tight ass.
If in your twitter bio you claim to be both #Libertarian and #ProLife, you might want to review what both of those terms mean.
If you're depressed about the new healthcare bill passing, the good news is, you now have access to xanax.
Be a redhead or dye tryin'.
There is no lesbian equivalent of Grindr, but if it did exist, it would be called "Let's Get a Cat."
99% of the time being religious does not make you a better person. It just allows you to pretend you are.