Imagine bein like "I'm a happily married stay at home mum" I would actually shoot myself in the puss

Not had the balls to post this till now, but if I get 20 retweets on this, I'll make my own Twitter account dedicated to my poetry writings.

R.I.P to all the dvds lost to ex-boyfriends

Shots and Tame Impala time

"It's complicated" is the relationship status indicator of inbreds

Got my singing report. When I got it last year I was drunk and threw it on a fire screaming "BURN MY PAST, BURN ALL MY PAST" hahaha, oh dear

Everyone should follow @mrwands. Cos he's my best pal and the funniest man I know <3

#ff @louisemckenziee @p_isforpatricia @bestlasts4ever @ifsixwasnine_ @_isolati0n @carpetwearer @nellll0 @saraaahwynne @corakeen @ecnavnaraic

today/this week has been shite

the Wes Anderson Prada Candy advert is so lovely

Is pregnancy no just the creepiest thing gawn? gross

Me and Eilidh were discussing @barneywkelly's parties and some wee first year goes "in the big hoose? aye a went tae them aw the time"

you look like a walrus, I'm embarrassed to have slept with you

oh god I've become one of those people who constantly post pictures of their dogs help

I actually turn into Dee Dee from Limmy's show during the holidays

"Why does he use such archaic language?" "Because he's a fucking cunt." I love @mrwands

tits & ass

What's yet postcode? fk10 21fuckin2

I made the mistake of giving my piano pupil my email address and now she is sending me videos of hamsters.

The part in Almost Famous when they're all singing Tiny Dancer gives me a good feeling.