I wish I could exchange my heart for another liver. That way, I can drink more and care less.

Things to do tomorrow: 1) Buy a sword. 2) Name the sword Kindness. 3) Kill people with Kindness.

Someday, I hope to be able to afford one of the new iPhones...like the girl in front of me using food stamps.

If dicks had wings, my mouth would be an airport.

Fuck! For all you fuckers who can't use "lose" and "loose" correctly: "Loose" is what your wife is; "Lose" is what do everyday...at life.

Someone who knows I'm not perfect, yet stares at me like I'm the most perfect woman he has ever seen...that's what I want.

I'm getting naked. You're either with me or against me.

Life may never be as good as it should be, but it's never as bad as it could be.

Duck... Duck... Grey Goose! ~The adult version.

I want you to know that someone cares. Not me, but someone does.

The secret to getting rid of unwanted pubic hair is to spit. You're welcome.

I don't feel like doing anything today.


Except, you. I'd do you...

I think my virginity is growing back...

I wish your mother would have swallowed you.

Being smart enough to ALWAYS read through a person's bullshit, is going to make me habitually single. Fuck you, stupid people. Fuck you.

I'm gonna dip that bitch in Vagisil. Maybe that'll take care of that irritating cunt.

If you want sympathy, look in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis".

Why do I say 'fuck' all the time? Because I fucking want to...and I fucking can. That's why.

I'm better than your ex, and I'll be better than your next.

Retweeting is not 'kissing ass', dipshit. It's called 'RELATING'.