They laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing anymore.

Next time I want a complete idiot to do something, I'll do it myself!

This all Meth diet got me back to my original weight...
8 lbs 5 ozs

I have an off again on again relationship with my underwear.

Visiting ex mother-in-law with the kids. She told me to sit wherever I'm most comfortable. So I'm in my car.

Remember folks, if you don't like me, you're the only one who cares.

My meth addict neighbors have a pit bull. Not to protect their stash, but to chew the meat for them.

I just finished a ten day diet and I lost about a week and a half.

‎95% of drivers say "Oh Shit!" before driving their car into a ditch. The other 5% are rednecks and say "Hold my beer & watch this shit!"

I'm living the lifestyle that money can't buy... Poverty

If the phone doesn't ring you'll know it's me.

Although it may appear I am not doing anything at all, I am very busy at the molecular level.

Wow - if you mix a ramen soup with extra crunchy peanut butter it tastes like I really need a girlfriend.

I'm not a complete failure, I can still serve as a bad example.

If you get to an AA meeting 15 mins late, moonwalk in, then drunkenly fall over a folding chair - we will be friends for life.

Ate entire bottle of gummy 'fiber' disguised as candy!
Your move...Bowels.

Up here in these mountains...girlfriends come a dime a cousin.

My son brought a skunk home last week. At first the smell was terrible, but the skunk finally got used to it.

Who said nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing since I opened my Twitter account.

I'm pretty sure this ayePhone I got for Christmas is pirated.