They laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing anymore.

Remember folks, if you don't like me, you're the only one who cares.

Next time I want a complete idiot to do something, I'll do it myself!

This all Meth diet got me back to my original weight...
8 lbs 5 ozs

Visiting ex mother-in-law with the kids. She told me to sit wherever I'm most comfortable. So I'm in my car.

Wow - if you mix a ramen soup with extra crunchy peanut butter it tastes like I really need a girlfriend.

My meth addict neighbors have a pit bull. Not to protect their stash, but to chew the meat for them.

I have an off again on again relationship with my underwear.

If you get to an AA meeting 15 mins late, moonwalk in, then drunkenly fall over a folding chair - we will be friends for life.

If the phone doesn't ring you'll know it's me.

‎95% of drivers say "Oh Shit!" before driving their car into a ditch. The other 5% are rednecks and say "Hold my beer & watch this shit!"

Although it may appear I am not doing anything at all, I am very busy at the molecular level.

I'm not a complete failure, I can still serve as a bad example.

I'm pretty sure this ayePhone I got for Christmas is pirated.

I'm living the lifestyle that money can't buy... Poverty

I cried because I had no shoes, then I met a man who was still using a Motorola Razr.

I just finished a ten day diet and I lost about a week and a half.

Some stranger just told me to 'have a nice day' - I don't know if I can handle that kind of pressure.

'WE NEVER TALK ANYMORE' --- no guy, ever.

If you are not on at least ONE Government "suspicious persons" list by now, you just ain't livin' right.