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  • MelAlmighty
      Mel @MelAlmighty

    They laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing anymore.

    • 490
    • FAVS
    heinscholtzcharlzeroMaxine12333PyramidFacecalluptomeAh_kee_oh________SirFlushaLotEternallyE________
    • 80
    • RETWEETS
    heinscholtzcharlzeroAh_kee_oh________puzzy_cutzfuddlemarkSirFlushaLottherealbrettsmtclairpena
    Headkutterscratchysinghford414__________
  • MelAlmighty
      Mel @MelAlmighty

    Remember folks, if you don't like me, you're the only one who cares.

    • 196
    • FAVS
    charlzero_Prozach74________JihadPizzaPaul_Rego________drearydougmrsmomi____clairpenaVixxe
    • 68
    • RETWEETS
    PaRRaDoX7Chloe31265KimberleyRiemer______CrackedIllusionCarter_TCBfarleftcoastGrapeJuice40______AwhDiddyTweets
    thedailymarker
  • MelAlmighty
      Mel @MelAlmighty

    Next time I want a complete idiot to do something, I'll do it myself!

    • 326
    • FAVS
    charlzero_northernbird_irememberfallintonguegiantMaxine12333twinanatorSirFlushaLotEternallyE________
    • 62
    • RETWEETS
    iBurnL7s_northernbird_Maxine12333GarethHughes85ShoutingGoddessSirFlushaLotAristotlesNZ______katta_lolkatt
    piplips
  • MelAlmighty
      Mel @MelAlmighty

    This all Meth diet got me back to my original weight...
    8 lbs 5 ozs

    • 302
    • FAVS
    dreamthievincharlzeronickgillz________kimwilliamzirememberfallinlizaelazizaMaxine12333SirFlushaLot
    • 53
    • RETWEETS
    Maxine12333SirFlushaLotAsylum_Moose______AristotlesNZ______VinBioDieselAnyaLachae7Favstar250FuckMitchell
    cooldadjeansjackmackenroth
  • MelAlmighty
      Mel @MelAlmighty

    Visiting ex mother-in-law with the kids. She told me to sit wherever I'm most comfortable. So I'm in my car.

    • 256
    • FAVS
    charlzeroSirFlushaLotEternallyE_________Prozach74________sessiongzSRQ2UdrearydougPaul_Rego________
    • 50
    • RETWEETS
    PamBrashethanorloffBrendaWithSavi__zane4wvupeakwriterKLSouthChicagobluesgrlclairpena
    ShazzaLM
  • MelAlmighty
      Mel @MelAlmighty

    Wow - if you mix a ramen soup with extra crunchy peanut butter it tastes like I really need a girlfriend.

    • 158
    • FAVS
    charlzeroiTomFoolerydrearydougAristotlesNZ______BrattyBarbieJayElem00AwhDiddyTweets_B4TM4N
    • 44
    • RETWEETS
    sazztareyookiddingmeJollyReprobateAgentTomcatsevenxx7chriscroctearsimpersonalsmrcorkey
  • MelAlmighty
      Mel @MelAlmighty

    My meth addict neighbors have a pit bull. Not to protect their stash, but to chew the meat for them.

    • 212
    • FAVS
    charlzeroCrickleNJ________SirFlushaLotSouthrnDelovely__iTomFoolery_Prozach74________Paul_Rego________drearydoug
    • 37
    • RETWEETS
    CrickleNJ________SirFlushaLotbite_it_harderBry1972imtellingmomDctorFuntclydefroggtrialfemme
    Kleetasm__________
  • MelAlmighty
      Mel @MelAlmighty

    I have an off again on again relationship with my underwear.

    • 289
    • FAVS
    LizzolliecharlzeroMaxine12333SirFlushaLotEternallyE________JulieWahooslitherofsteelRockStar13arbie
    • 31
    • RETWEETS
    MapleLeaf99iTomFoolery_Prozach74________Asylum_Moose______LizzollieshakinmytwitsPaul_Rego________i8bugs1
  • MelAlmighty
      Mel @MelAlmighty

    If you get to an AA meeting 15 mins late, moonwalk in, then drunkenly fall over a folding chair - we will be friends for life.

    • 160
    • FAVS
    charlzeroSouthrnDelovely__VixxeAristotlesNZ______BrattyBarbieimslightlymadJayElem00AwhDiddyTweets
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    imslightlymadPhilLaysheOParaJanitorGhetto_TrophyvickiaddamsPlayful_Jazz77byronblurbJReed1981
  • MelAlmighty
      Mel @MelAlmighty

    If the phone doesn't ring you'll know it's me.

    • 185
    • FAVS
    charlzeroVixxeAristotlesNZ______BrattyBarbieJayElem00_B4TM4NRoadfilm__________ImHopel3ss
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    The_MartiniGirlDebbiecoalminerLowestLaneCauley42SIPgirl_1kueldadRummyLaudedsmirkykev
  • MelAlmighty
      Mel @MelAlmighty

    ‎95% of drivers say "Oh Shit!" before driving their car into a ditch. The other 5% are rednecks and say "Hold my beer & watch this shit!"

    • 211
    • FAVS
    charlzeroAristotlesNZ______BrattyBarbieAwhDiddyTweetsXalqee_B4TM4NImHopel3ssEddieCoins________
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    meaculpau27blurryfotoClockCouchTime____pinaplobi7k3nobi________IRONNUMAfavstar1000favsendrunklopedia
    IRONNUMA
  • MelAlmighty
      Mel @MelAlmighty

    Although it may appear I am not doing anything at all, I am very busy at the molecular level.

    • 185
    • FAVS
    charlzeroSouthrnDelovely__hutchingsahnAristotlesNZ______BrattyBarbieJayElem00AwhDiddyTweetsImHopel3ss
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    hipchkkCairdeas77________Ghetto_TrophyliftyourlifebrentsisleySaviorFreedomDBwiddaDBpesterbot
    CrazedinNYC______
  • MelAlmighty
      Mel @MelAlmighty

    I'm not a complete failure, I can still serve as a bad example.

    • 173
    • FAVS
    charlzeroLarryManwichAristotlesNZ______BrattyBarbieJayElem00AwhDiddyTweets_B4TM4NImHopel3ss
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    RawanovIIBaheyyonedavedeepSpiderogeriTomFoolerybaxbrew27gay_genethedailymarker
    thedailymarker
  • MelAlmighty
      Mel @MelAlmighty

    I'm pretty sure this ayePhone I got for Christmas is pirated.

    • 118
    • FAVS
    MelodyAK47________charlzeroAristotlesNZ______BrattyBarbieJayElem00_B4TM4NImHopel3ssoinkflap
    • 23
    • RETWEETS
    charlzeroAgentTomcathipchkkkimblerdfavstar1000favsMDolbeyBobMacNealmystonesrsmooth
  • MelAlmighty
      Mel @MelAlmighty

    I'm living the lifestyle that money can't buy... Poverty

    • 194
    • FAVS
    charlzeroclairpenaAristotlesNZ______BrattyBarbieJayElem00AwhDiddyTweetsrobocreep_B4TM4N
    • 21
    • RETWEETS
    clairpenaA_Bit_Too_Rude____yourwhineguySpiderogerkittenishcutiedaniesqitsmewaningallbyallenn
    myles_morrison
  • MelAlmighty
      Mel @MelAlmighty

    I cried because I had no shoes, then I met a man who was still using a Motorola Razr.

    • 114
    • FAVS
    thobi_dJP_theAntiHeroOk2KillUrIdols____CrystalMoonableCarmel_ColemanFredzipfelSilencedVerse____peachgrenade
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    nkulieyImNolanGrant_Shellabelle_Julian_WT____HelloWolfganghomovexedusfavstar1000favsafiqyusaini
  • MelAlmighty
      Mel @MelAlmighty

    I just finished a ten day diet and I lost about a week and a half.

    • 225
    • FAVS
    charlzeroCarpentersCrackPaul_Rego________palindromeiam____QueenKillerBee____DukeOfOyl________cheriogaleusTheBaconBoobies__
    • 16
    • RETWEETS
    CountGripsnatchFabianouslyAristotlesNZ______The_MartiniGirlClockCouchTime____kittenishcutierobocreepGoGoTagg
  • MelAlmighty
      Mel @MelAlmighty

    Some stranger just told me to 'have a nice day' - I don't know if I can handle that kind of pressure.

    • 92
    • FAVS
    hipchkkMickQwertyBry1972CrazedinNYC______OtisPdQsheiseweVerifiedDrunkMissItAintMe______
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    TalkingNostrilsLizzieBphat______nancyeljudgeDctorFunclairpenaFavstar500FavsRay4295smokngrass
  • MelAlmighty
      Mel @MelAlmighty

    'WE NEVER TALK ANYMORE' --- no guy, ever.

    • 65
    • FAVS
    NotKarmaMaxine12333Ray4295drearydougJeanM617LarryManwichmoemac20__________robocreep
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    clairpenapskkyjustwant2wineFavstar500FavsIamJulieAndrewsBAMA_WINSBetter_Cleveraxoeloetl__
  • MelAlmighty
      Mel @MelAlmighty

    If you are not on at least ONE Government "suspicious persons" list by now, you just ain't livin' right.

    • 71
    • FAVS
    mlkefOrvllShrednbchr0hJuliettesmall_white______ribeyerobBoomBamBunnyNotThatKevinpiplips
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    dttojayja9333BleizFallitsboogeebabbledomia______CrazyLittleOwl____Stormenightmiaaculpa________
@MelAlmighty

@MelAlmighty

You'll get nothing and like it!