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I was gonna go to your holiday party, but there was a "Family Matters" marathon on. Also your parties suck and my cat fucking hates you.
You call it "walking to the bar," I call it "exercise".
Seriously, angry white people make the worst music EVER.
"Going down to the kosher deli" is probably my favorite euphemism for giving a Jewish dude a blow job.
If it looks like a man, smells like a man, and orders white wine at a dive bar, it's a pussy.
Damn girl. Is your name Legos? Cuz you is STACKED.
Help, how do I load a roll of film into my iPhone?????
Ugh. They don't have a bar OR premium cable at this Planned Parenthood. :(
Just threw two drinks in an asshole's face so I guess I'm officially an adult.
Romantic idea: Surprise him this morning with a cup of coffee served in a World's Greatest Baby Daddy mug. And a positive pregnancy test. :)
Just figured out how to stream porn on Apple TV so I guess I'm not going anywhere today.
Siri, find me a Russian masseuse near my current location. Make sure she got big nipples. And makes house calls. Thanx.
I wish Cracker Jacks contained better prizes, like condoms or Valium or trips to Europe
And yeah, I'm a fucking snob. I own that shit.
With an ugly baby here and an ugly baby there, here a baby there a baby everywhere an ugly baby – Old MacDonald's Facebook feed
Hoodrat hoodrat hoochie mama
Fuck it. I'm having a corn dog.
Just ordered my grandpa a Penthouse 2013 lingerie calendar for his birthday. Me = best granddaughter ever.
My top three vagina euphemisms:
1. "Venus Man Trap"
2. "The Meat Locker"
3. "Kosher Kingdom" (because Jewish guys.)
Love is lying awake all night, resisting every urge to smother him with your memory foam pillow while he snores like an ungodly beast.
Stacked like Jenga.
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