"I'm sorry, am I boring you?"

"Yes you are, I appreciate your apology."

If you're ugly & have a small penis then we're never gonna fu-

Oh who am I kidding. I have no standards anymore.

I know exactly what'll float your boat.


Water.

I will have sex with every one of you that stars me. If you're hot, I'll have sex with you TWICE. If you're a sock monkey, its unlimited.

I went to the gym today. It was my second time GO ME!






The first time I signed up.

This second time I renewed.

Before Twitter I was just a girl w/no life who hadnt gotten laid in a while. Now I'm... that same girl. But I can tweet. So there's that.

its just so wrong that i havent gotten laid in 21 months. im not even married.

Peace be with you.
And with you.
And you.
Not you tho.
I'm not a miracle worker fucktard.

Have your people star my tweets. We'll do lunch. Or sex. Whatever.

I have so many witty tweets in my head. But I'm easily distrac Oooo cake

Things I do when sober:
1. Wake up in my own bed
2. Pee IN toilet
3. Drive to liquor store
4. Drive home from liquor store
5. Drink

This whole "acting like I care" thing is real hard work.

Blue is the color my balls would be if I had balls.

OMG OMG THE MOON IS GONE THE MOON IS GONE


Oh wait. It was behind me. False alarm.

Its true.. I hated being called a slut in high school. But I sure do miss being one 10 years later.

Wow. I just lost 3 pounds after that fart. Fellas?

This girl is such a-
"What are you doing?"

"Nothin"

"Youre tweeting about me arent you?"

"No, never!"
-stupid bimbo w/obviously fake tits

i havent heard from britney fuck vids in a while.


im worried.

People who live in glass houses should never throw stones, obviously. Oh, and should never skip shaving.

My lack of stars is a painful reminder of my lack of sex.

I am in desperate need of validation here.