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I like my coffee like I like my family- as far away from me as possible and never in my mouth.
As a parent, it's important to remember that no one else gives a fuck about your kid.
I would way rather work at a cat dealership.
They discontinued my favorite ice cream flavor. This is how villains are born.
A cord was in front of the corner of my screen where the start menu is so I moved it so it wouldn't be in the way of the mouse. I'm an idiot
Music is basically therapy for people who can't afford therapy.
Something about God showed up in my timeline. what the fuck happened while I was gone?
Oh man, I bet Goro takes the fastest showers!
Squeezing the last of the shampoo out of the bottle this morning sounded exactly like a congested Donald Duck nearing orgasm.
I was kind of grumpy after work so I called my boyfriend to cheer me up because my cat doesn't know how to answer the phone.
Ever since Twilight and 50 Shades of Gray, being a New York Times Bestseller really means nothing to me.
"Hey, if you’re not gonna finish eating that, can I have it?”-What I’d like to say to people with babies to make them get them away from me.
I just made friends with a live chat customer service person or a really smart computer.
Once you have kids you're not allowed to follow your dreams, unless they involve telling a total asshole what to do for the next 20 years.
Children are the shitty music lovers, the destroyers of dreams.
How can I expect to find myself a decent job when I can't even manage to pluck all of my stray chin hairs?
Two cats, a girl, and a depressive phase. I was once called a truth grenade.