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I like my coffee like I like my family- as far away from me as possible and never in my mouth.
As a parent, it's important to remember that no one else gives a fuck about your kid.
They discontinued my favorite ice cream flavor. This is how villains are born.
A cord was in front of the corner of my screen where the start menu is so I moved it so it wouldn't be in the way of the mouse. I'm an idiot
Something about God showed up in my timeline. what the fuck happened while I was gone?
Squeezing the last of the shampoo out of the bottle this morning sounded exactly like a congested Donald Duck nearing orgasm.
Yeah gurl.... You're gonna get your jumbo b-split. http://instagram.com/p/YlqGbCJWNS/
Is midnight too late for a meatball sub? http://instagram.com/p/Yje-NypWLp/
I was kind of grumpy after work so I called my boyfriend to cheer me up because my cat doesn't know how to answer the phone.
Ever since Twilight and 50 Shades of Gray, being a New York Times Bestseller really means nothing to me.
"Hey, if you’re not gonna finish eating that, can I have it?”-What I’d like to say to people with babies to make them get them away from me.
I just made friends with a live chat customer service person or a really smart computer.
Once you have kids you're not allowed to follow your dreams, unless they involve telling a total asshole what to do for the next 20 years.
How can I expect to find myself a decent job when I can't even manage to pluck all of my stray chin hairs?
Two cats, a girl, and a depressive phase. I was once called a truth grenade.
