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Fighting sleep so hard I'm blinking more than Kristin Stewart.
No, radio DJ, Paul McCartney doesn't look good for his age. He looks like somebody melted a Paul McCartney candle.
Deaf Canadians wear hearing ehds.
Dear dad, happy father's day. I hope you spend it doing what you love: hitting women and pretending you're a good guy. Have fun in church.
I just fell in love with myself all over again. (I looked down and saw my own cleavage)
SEE HOW DO YOU LIKE HAVING A BUTTHOLE SHOVED IN YOUR FACE YOU STUPID CAT??
OH GOD DONT LICK IT! YOU SICKO WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??
I never study a calendar with more intensity than when I've made plans involving my vagina and then remember that periods exist.
My favorite fruit is the chocolate orange.
I'm craving: lemonade, toast w/ cinnamon sugar, to crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and to hear the lamentation of their women.
People do drugs because magic doesn't exist.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha fuck you!- sleep, to me, every damn night.
I know why they call them crushes. Because when they ignore you, you have to run them over with your car.
I'm gonna be honest: I think Legolas microwaved his dice, because he's rolling an awful lot of 20s in this dungeon.
A minor typo has made me realize what an adorable thing it would be to have a significant otter.
I only shave my legs so I don't have the visual reminder of how long it's been since I've had sex.
Facebook should let you add adjectives to your relationship status.
"Mike is in a miserable failing marriage with Jenna."
I remember people now. They're awful creatures, aren't they? Horrible to look at.
The world is like a gross zoo without enough fences.
Two Cats, A Girl, and a Pizza Box #depressingsitcoms
Two cats, a girl, and a depressive phase. I was once called a truth grenade.