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Pro tip: save sending the genitalia pics for as long as you'd like a friend to chat to.
When I was a kid I ate lead at every meal, rode my bike barefooted, swam immediately after eating a large meal and I sent hate mail to Santa
Exactly why would I want my daily allotment of free porn to include cheesy dialogue & foreplay?
No thank you, "Pornhub for Women".
"While you're down there..." ~ Australian sext
Watching Shooter - "I missed a meeting today, where I was going to be fired for unprofessional conduct, because I was kidnapped by people...
Is drunk tweeting while sober a thing yet? It should be. I did it last night, apparently. I'm officially insane in the membrane. Fuck.
Believe in me. I'll be your goddess.
If you need to justify your failures by making excuses, we shouldn't hang out.
If you're an atheist, why promote your belief in nothing?
The only good thing about him turning this place into a sweat lodge and trying to kill me is my weight loss.
Finally being with someone who doesn’t feel like your replacement.
Girls hang out with me just to get a taste of my Kraft Dinner cause I'm a Cheese Whizard
A day in the life of a wizard:
1. Cast spells.
2. Drink potions.
3. Lather beard.
4. Ride all the dragons.
5. Effortlessly drown in pussy.
Hey beautiful, wanna be the Kit to my Hassellhoff? With a higher, less robotic voice though. How about the Ohura to my Kirk? E.T and Elliot?
If poor me is the only tune you ever sing, it will always end up a solo performance.
It hurts because I'm not sure you'd say it even if you could.
All Xmas songs can sound sexual. Jingle Bells, Deck the Halls, Santa Claus is coming to Town, O Holy Night, Do you hear what I hear.. See?
Was just e-mailed a song that's only 192kbps quality. Wow. Guess they think I can't just find a hobo to shit in my ears.
Joan Rivers is one hilarious bitch.
I can’t remember if I only smoke when I’m drinking or if I only drink when I’m smoking.