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A double chin is just your body's way of telling you that your neck could use a love handle.
I suck at pussy.
Hi, hope you don't mind I brought someone along--this is my mom.
If a vegan does crossfit...
Which one do they tell you about first?
"I like the cut of your jib" is my go-to maritime reference for complimenting a stranger's circumcision scar.
the quills are alive
with the sound of muse•ic
Doesn't Taco Bell realize how gross their food is?
If you like to watch me when I sleep, I will wake up and stab your eyes out you fucking weirdo.
fun thing i do when 'watching' baseball and looking at my phone is turning my back to the screen cause whatever it's baseball.
The McRib is like an absent abusive father. You long for it but it just shows up a few times a year to punch you in the stomach and leave.
Feel free to follow me on snapchat to view and share in my stoned idiocy. Kitties, titties and a little bit witty. Mostly me being an ass.
I haven't finished binge-watching the previous eight World Series, so don't anyone blurt out how this one ends.
crossword puzzles are only for people who have had sex before
This game is stressing me out!!!
I'll remind you what you've forgotten, reveal what you never saw & convince you of things you never thought true about yourself.
"When I was little" are among the most beautiful words ever said.
The comfort of "home" or the knowledge that you have someone to come to & you always will, is priceless.
Check your sadism.
I am watching Harmontown the documentary. Less than 3 so hard.
I can’t remember if I only smoke when I’m drinking or if I only drink when I’m smoking.