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Italian dinner... Glass of wine... Delightful.
Someone just roll me down the mountain now...
A friend of mine just told me that he won't go on facebook or twitter because he's afraid of going to jail. What the fuck do I say to that?!
Who cares what color the dress is. Is it machine washable and made from at least 7% spandex?
The problems all started when we stopped executing traitors...
I want to show you guys my new shirt but my gut looks too hot.
I'm having a nyquil induced meltdown, please ignore me.
(LOVE ME AND TELL ME LOTS BECAUSE IM SICK.)
When I use the term 'classless' it has nothing to do with sex.
Maybe I should go in & sit creepily close to those two 17 year-old girls watching “FiftyShades of Grey.” They can see the movie in CreepD.
The worst part of being single is never having anyone say, "I miss you".
Most of your tweets are perfect. But you might want to consider changing most of the words.
If you're texting someone who may be emotionally unstable or unready, seriously limit your use of the winky face emoticon.
It's the tenderness, understanding and passion that I crave...
Hey San Francisco, I'm on my way.
Social Media has taught me nothing. People are gross.
Someone please explain why cherritussin tastes like my grandfather smells.
There are two middle-aged couples still standing outside in the frigid weather discussing the movie they just saw: “Fifty Shades of Grey.”
I'm flipping you off with my soul.
My hair's so greasy it fixes your car in exchange for a carton of Winston lights.
I have no one to blame but everyone else.
I can’t remember if I only smoke when I’m drinking or if I only drink when I’m smoking.
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