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I'd wish you the best. But I am the best
I have a conflict of no interest
I blew my load all over a black t-shirt and CNN confused it for an ISIS flag.
That awesome moment you forget why you liked them.
I guess even Favstar is sick of seeing your top tweet in everyone's TL, too.
Once again sleep avoids me like it owes me money
I wonder how they celebrate Canada Day in other countries?
Don't forget to write me off.
I'm too excited about fucking Canada Day to sleep.
Pretty sure if I end up in jail, it would be because of PMS.
I yelled at a snail the other day.
Now that Affleck has gotten rid of his wife he can concentrate on important things like getting Batman right for millions of internet geeks
Correcting my grammar is just foreplay
I carry multiple cell phone chargers around in my purse.
I'm not a drug dealer, I'm a plug dealer.
Can you mainline Netflix yet? Or maybe I should just pick up heroin again. The whole system is fucked & no one gives a shit. I'm so angry.
You know, if my wife wasn't so hung up on this faithfulness thing, she'd probably say you were my cutest girlfriend yet.
I'm not homophobic. I'll masturbate to a shemale.
If someone says they're liberated in their bio, I always imagine they're doing what Andy did, in Shawshank Redemption, while tweeting.
I can’t remember if I only smoke when I’m drinking or if I only drink when I’m smoking.
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