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Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
is too good for them! Those things need to suffer the same torture as anyone who has ever tasted them.
He cracked his neck before the blowjob and I knew, "shit just got real."
Can't be offended by something that you know is not true
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
People rattle off opinions about issues but don't actually take the time to learn the facts..that's why I'll never be offended by an opinion
maybe this will be the year i will stop trying to make 'butt stuff' happen. lol double entendre.
Maybe if you spent less time trying to sound smart and more time actually educating yourself you might get somewhere
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I come from a broken home. I'm so done fucking Mormons.
I don't care if you're fucked up, as long as you're funny fucked up, not straight up fucked up.
I'm really drunk. In my underwear. I don't think I'll make it to the bar.
I'll be nice to you until you cross me, then I'll probably just dot you.
I don't need reciprocity for anything but love. ❤️
Grindr guy said he'd drive over, fuck, and then drive home. It's like ordering pizza.
I've watched enough crime shows to now realize that my flip phone is a "burner" and I must be up to no good.
Even my twitter draft's folder gets far more sexual activity than I do.
The condom broke. It's okay though. He was only humping my leg for the last 20 minutes. Jager, mates. Jager.
I'll have another Seattle penalty please.
caught myself asking why about plot points in the taken three commercial and then i was like, "wtf is wrong with me, it's a taken movie."
Another day. Another engagement. Another cat.
You with the coiffed mustache, thank goodness nobody takes Polaroids anymore.
I can’t remember if I only smoke when I’m drinking or if I only drink when I’m smoking.