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I'm encouraging my stepdad Terry to grow dreadlocks even though he's pretty bald up there.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near a nuclear holocaust?
Sext: Let's curl up into a ball and die together.
tbh, you need a comma after "tbh"at the beginning of a sentence because it's a dependent clause
tbh, i got you a beer so i wouldn't look bad having another
I avoid talking on the phone so people won't hear my disappointment.
Every time I hear The Final Countdown, all I can think about is Gob from Arrested Development
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar "Why aren't you smiling?" my go-to answer is always "My yeast infection really is bubbling up."
Yes, yes, the witch is hard at work.
Never handle your Monkshood seeds without gloves. Aconite is one of the most lethal poisons in the world–even today.
Once you earn my loyalty, there's nothing I won't defend you from
Once you lose it, there's no getting it back
Lost two pounds today! (Trimmed my toenails.)
"This is your captain speaking [lowers voice] the biggest irony is that we are so high right now [long pause] yet I've never felt so low.."
I assure you, I hate everyone, so don't go feeling special, buttercup.
I don't want to wnd guess the Miss Universe judges so I'm gonna rewatch a few segemnts of the show 50 or so more times to be accurate.
I don't know for sure that I used my nebulizer. I guess it worked.
I need you to put your dick into a hot pocket... For science!
I can’t remember if I only smoke when I’m drinking or if I only drink when I’m smoking.