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No use demonizing any of the candidates. None of them will bring the country to ruin. That's a *fait accompli*.
Can't imagine why seaweed doesn't taste nearly as good in a belch.
I feel for you, yes those ones that have to fill the long form census.
Top 3 things women ask men:
1. Does this make my ass look big?
2. What are you thinking?
3. Did you look by the door?
You came down hard on me.
Thank you.... 😏
The two political parties are like an old married couple arguing about what color to paint the living room--Meanwhile, the house IS ON FIRE.
I love you long form census.
I wish a girl who makes her boyfriend take pictures of her in Forever 21 for her blog on all my exes.
I just watched how hotdogs are made and I'm kind of ok with it.
My whole childhood is a lie!!!
Shout out to the person or group of people that just anonymously called me a crazy person and then blocked me. Hooray for Twitter.
If opinions were actually like assholes I'd find them way more interesting.
Hoping I get some answers at my rheumatologist appointment later this month. The cyclobenzaprine and gabapentin aren't doing diddly squat.
Not sure if this was a breech of etiquette but I just had a sandwich without having sex 😳
[Mother walks in]
This place is disgusting!
I thought you said you were doing spring cleaning!
*putting pogo stick back together*
I complemented the HR lady on her deep, amber eyes. She wasn't sure whether to fire or bed me.
... to be continued.
Take your relationship off cruise control and explore her roads less traveled. Discover her hidden beauty and reignite that fire.
I should really stop starting conversations I don't care to finish.
Dating Lingerie: fancy bra, g-string, stockings, garters
Married Lingerie: garfield t-shirt, covers pulled up to neck while feigning sleep
I think my phone is broken. I keep hitting 'refresh' yet I'm still exhausted.
I can’t remember if I only smoke when I’m drinking or if I only drink when I’m smoking.
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