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When we're fighting over rats in a post-apocalyptic Hellscape, we're gonna be pretty embarrassed about all this misplaced online outrage.
Two years of yoga and weight training... I am now ready for this jelly.
Don't worry, you're in very culpable hands.
When she's eating a slice of cake is not the best time to tell your lady that you'd like to start a new workout plan together.
1, 2, 3, Netflix And Chill With Me -- Bad Children's Books
There's never s'mores or frozen vodka together at the same time.
It's a conspiracy.
If you're still single, just remember that there are over 7 billion people in this world and none of them would probably like you either.
you understand yourself way better when you're older. life is simpler. now I know for certain I only like doing 4, maybe 5 different things
Can't wait to have a boyfriend so I have someone to cuddle with and watch movies with and randomly be mad at for no reason whatsoever.
MY SOULMATE: "Yes I'd love to."
One of my aunts lived for a year with stage 4 cancer and one has lived for 6 years & going with stage 4 cancer. The world is weird.
The only event that I can afford the dress code without complaining is coitus.
i'm remembering things again, things that never happened.
But in all seriousness, who's ready to get pregnant?
you can tell a lot about someone's childhood by the creepy ceramic figurines they keep around their house.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to dress up as apes when the space ship returns just to mess with the astronauts.
Son just said "Mama, I love your face". Now I want to buy him something 😂
Perks of being ugly:
Phone battery lasts longer
I'm guessing I'm not married because I'd take a bullet for a grilled cheese before I'd take one for a girl.
I gotta go, those restraining orders don't just write themselves you know.
I can’t remember if I only smoke when I’m drinking or if I only drink when I’m smoking.
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