Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive.

HONEY YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THE PRESSURE I FEEL TO WRITE FUNNY SHIT FOR FREE FOR PEOPLE I’VE NEVER MET… fine, it does sound stupid out loud.

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you've done for other people?

Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?

My five-year-old: “I don’t want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!” No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not expect a reference.

You know you are in the ‘hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

Once my dad caught me smoking a cigarette and he made me smoke a whole pack until I got sick. Really glad he never caught me sucking a dick.

She'll be comin' round the nutsack when she comes...

#replacesonglyricswithnutsack

At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.

The woman in front of me in the checkout line wrote an actual check. I assume she then boarded her carriage and returned to her plantation.

If I ever shot the sheriff, I’d probably go ahead and shoot the deputy too. Along with any other witnesses, because at that point why not.

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”

Your text said “get ready for hot ass sex”, but did you mean “hot-ass sex” or “hot ass-sex”? Hyphens are important (but either way I’m in).

Well, I’m tired of your NOT drinking. How about that?

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

FYI - when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”

Headline: “Man Missing After Falling through Ice.” Missing? I’m no psychic, but I'm pretty sure he's at the bottom of the fucking pond.

Apparently the girls at this bar do not realize how handsome my mom says I am.

Look Twitter, if you are going to randomly unfollow people for me, can you at least pick ones that I haven’t built shrines for in my garage?