#GhettoEasterBasketItems = This ratchet weave http://t.co/5jPlPYVQ

RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! R-T if I'm right!

you're 15... you should be feeling butterflies in your tummy, not a baby kicking.

I'm a lazy texter. Unless you're cute or I like you.

Michael Jordan needs to start making condoms so niggas will actually start wearing them.

BREAKING NEWS: 2 cars involved in fatal accident in Mexico. 98 are dead.

Retweet this if you have as many NBA Championships as LeBron James.

"I wanna fuck you so bad right now." "what...?" "Oh, damn autocorrect, I meant hey."

Jesus can walk on water... I can walk on cucumbers... Cucumbers are 96% water... therefore I'm 96% Jesus.

B-E-F-O-R-E, not B4, we speak English, not Bingo.

My girlfriend is like a Ferrari, I don't have a Ferrari.

Just saw a fat ginger girl buying a rape alarm... gotta admire her optimism.

Some people ask me why I don't have any tattoos and I say "Well would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?"

I like turtles because they're so chill. They don't hurt anyone. They're just like, "Hey man, I want to swim, and maybe eat some lettuce."

We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.

I hate it when I forget to turn my swag off at night and I wake up covered in bitches.

Dear Mom & Dad.... When I lie to you, just know, It`s for your own good.

Condom slogan: Don't let your affection give her an infection, put some protection on that erection!

What if the light we see at the end of the tunnel when we die is really us just being pushed out of a vagina into our next life mind=fucked

"Hey babe, you smell that?" "No." "Me neither, start cooking."