I've witnessed friends do really stupid stuff while high. But that's nothing compared to the retarded things I've seen them do while in love

Twitter is like a reality show. An idea to get morons to produce content for free under the prelude it will make them famous.

Girls, just so you know. The first time we see you without makeup, is the same moment every stupid thing you said suddenly begins to matter

I don't mind hangovers. It's the inevitable unravelings of the stupid shit I said and did the night before that really makes me panic.

I don't have a degree in proctology, but that doesn't mean I don't know an asshole when I see one.

Until we find a cure for stupidity I'm not sure democracy is the way to go.

Impotence is natures way of saying no hard feelings

You can't call yourself a true romantic if you haven't been served at least two restraining orders.

Saw a deaf couple arguing last night. Arms flying everywhere and a lot of mouth smacking sounds. Best part I could laugh as loud as I wanted

My middle name has only served one purpose in my entire life, when someone uses it I know I just entered a world of shit.

If you are offended by any joke I make, I can assure you it was not directed your way. The universe does in fact not revolve around you!

I have horrible friends. One just told me that "Masturbating with a mitten is like having sex with a hamster". I'll tell him to join Twitter

Girls, you get pierced all over, silicone here and there, tattoos in sensitive places, but as soon as someone says "anal" it hurts?

I've been damaged by porn. Can't enjoy sex anymore unless she's got nice shoes on in bed.

You all realize our tweets are being processed and saved by several governments? We will be first against the wall when the revolution comes

GF just slashed my ego to shreds. When I told her I have 190 followers she rhetorically asked "How many ppl are there on Twitter again?"

Twitter on Fridays are as rewarding as picking your own pubes one at a time with tweezers while listening to Creed play a Nickelback Tribute

Some of you seem to be generally happy and content when I read your tweets. 9 times of 10 the reason for happiness is low intelligence.

I'm a firm believer in Evolution but I cant for the life of me figure out how that process lead to men having some sort of G-spot up the ass

I wouldn't mind it otherwise, but it's always the stupidest fucking people who call me a "Know-it-all".