Used condom in the parking lot at the welfare office. Gross, but encouraging.

A ghost from last century left a YellowBook at my door like the Internet never happened.

Dear crazy person,
I'm kinda scared to unfollow.
So, you win. I suppose.

It looks complicated outside.

My one star tweets are always huge on Facebook.

Hey hipsters over at the local hookah lounge, guess what?
You're still in Missouri.
Have a pulled pork sandwich and settle down.

If I get married, it'll be a January wedding. Outside. So I can invite every last asshole that made me sweat on a barn bench in June.

"Your welfare benefits include a mandatory birth control shot."

-words to solve problems

Nervous breakdowns are usually frowned upon. But here on Twitter, I get new followers! Sweet.

I have a hell of a time reading tweets with a moving avatar. It's cute and all, but one of these days I'm gonna have a seizure.

If you have a giggling baby ringtone, I'm probably gonna give your iphone a bath.
We'll call it maternal instinct.

All boobs are a trap.

Psst, terrorists. They're all in Iowa right now.

There has to be a way to keep the ponytail men named Julio from happening.

My animals love me so much more when they're starving. Is that how children work?

Made it to the gym because I am dedicated to health and fitness.
Driving away because I am hungover and fuck that noise.

If there's one thing I've learned from living alone, it's that music and nudity are pretty much required for proper house cleaning.

A small Twitter break is simply an exercise in sanity maintenance.

Going for a jog in the park to see if I can get myself raped. #datenight

The same girl unfollows me every two days and I would like her to know that it makes me uncomfortable and somewhat bicurious.